MY NAME IS PAUL AND I'M A DRUG ADDICT
by TVDTKD
Summary: Paul's life has made a 360 turn the last few months, he can't take it anymore and finds other methods to deal with his pain. Contains: Loss, Addiction, Self mutilation etc. Please read and rewiew
1. Chapter 1

**My name is Paul and I'm an drug addict**  
**  
****Note:  
Except the cast of TVD, all other persons are fiction. Torrey is not his girlfriend and isn't part of the story.****  
****  
****STORY SUMMARY****  
**  
This story takes place mostly on the set of the vampire diaries and in a rehab/ hospital environment. Paul Wesley has had a rough period his mother had died three months earlier after a long battle with cancer. He also broke up with his girlfriend five months ago he'd hadn't seen her afterwards. Well he didn't break up with her she broke up with him. She left him because something happened thereby she said he was depressed and she couldn't live with that anymore. She asked him to get help numberous times but he always got angry when she brought it up. Wasn't that enough she dropped a bombshell on him by phoning him a week after she left with a message which changed his life forever. She did let him know she would always love him but that it was best if they didn't see eachother anymore. Paul himself kept himself busy and worked a lot, and found other methods to keep his mind of all the bad things that were going on in his life.

Paul used to be a drug addict aged fifteen till twenty now almost twenty nine years old he has troubles and is turning into drugs again. A huge problem is he is really good in hiding it which make the others have no clue. Even his co stars Ian and Nina don't know about his new addiction. But it still are drugs and while he's using it has side effects he's getting even more depressed and he stops eating which gives him a lot of weight loss and other problems. Those last problems are visible to his friends who start to discover more and more. Is he going to get caught or does he fess up himself. Until the point Paul cannot take it anymore. What is he going to do. And what happens afterwards.

**What do you think should I post and write further?  
Please review.  
xx**


	2. Chapter 2

**LIES****….**

Paul's POV:  
Crap it's almost nine I already had to be on set by now. I took my usual breakfast for the last four weeks which was a syringe of heroin. It left trace marks but those healed pretty quickly as long as I didn't have shirtless scenes coming up I could keep doing this, no one will find out. Else I have to find another place to shoot the stuff in I thought. What also helped a lot was that it was winter. And the winters in Atlanta always where very cold. So I could easily hide them. I was pretty hungry but the thought of how it would hurt to eat made my stomach turn upside down, so I wasn't hungry anymore. I hadn't had proper food in the last month I usually drank protein shakes or ate fruit which I mixed before it came through my throat.

I got a call from Ian, he asked where I was, I said I was almost there traffic jam. I really hoped he bought it. I looked at a picture of my beloved mother who passed away three months ago it killed me watching her die, but what did hurt even more was that I had to see my sisters growing up without a mother in the time of their lives when they needed her the most. I felt not well today the heroin didn't settle in good and I was feeling light headed. But hey the show must go on I thought so I'd went to set as quick as I could.

**Ian's POV:  
**When I hung up the phone I knew he was lying. "He's not in a traffic jam" I said to Julie "he's lying I think he was still at home he sounded sleepy and their where no car noises". I hated it to sell my best friend out to the boss, but he was not his usual self. He lost a lot of weight, looked terrible and when we would ask him about it he said everything was fine so we should mind our own business. We discussed what to do with him: confront him or let it go. We were all very worried about him. But we threw it on the he has a rough time at the moment pile.

There he finally was he looked like hell, this needs a lot of makeup I thought. We hadn't seen him in five days he was even more skinnier and I saw the look on Julie's face which probably was my look too. "What's wrong with you two" he smirked "you look like you seen a ghost". "I think I did see one" Julie said. Then Nina came in "Paul" she said looking shocked at him "you look terrible, are you ill?". "What's up with you guys "he asked "I might have a little headache nothing bad" he continued. "Well I'm going to get dressed".

**Paul's POV:  
**Damn, do I look that awful I thought, I have to be careful else they are going to find out. While I was changing I felt terrible. Julie came in when they were doing my makeup and send the people away. She had a trey of food with her, "you have to eat properly" she said touching my skinny frame I pulled back ashamed. "Tell me Paul what's going on with you, you show up late and don't bring the traffic jam excuse in because there wasn't any". "You look like hell and you are grumpy all the time". "Please tell me so we can help you". "I'm just going through a rough pat" I admitted . "The past couple months were really tough on me". "Thereby I feel sick a lot that's why I have not been eating much". "Ok sweetie" she said "but take good care of yourself I see you in 5 minutes". "Yes" I said "I'll be there". I had to shoot a love scene with Nina who plays Elena and a arguing scene with Ian who plays my brother Damon.

**Nina's POV:  
**Love scene with Paul yup there we go, got he's skinny this is just not ok where's muscled Paul I thought. _Elena please don't listen to him he's …_ he just stopped in the middle of the sentence and was looking quite weird. "Paul" I said, "hey Paul are you there". Then he suddenly looked at me and said "sorry guys rewind". "Maybe we need a short break" I said. He nodded "maybe we should" I saw the pain in his face and didn't know if it was physical or emotional pain, I couldn't place it. I saw him walking to his chair which looked as if it was very hard for him. Julie and Kevin where looking at each other they also didn't have a clue how to handle this I thought.

**Kevin's POV:  
**I couldn't look at it anymore his acting didn't suffer under it but he just looked miserably. I think he's depressed I thought by myself he just lost his mother the woman he talked to every day of his life. And he has been sick a lot. I go check on him maybe he won't shut me out this time. He went in-between Paul's break and thought he could find him in his trailer cause he was not with the rest of the cast in the lunchroom. He opened the door carefully and saw Paul lying on his bed. He was clearly sleeping, then I let him sleep I talk with him at the end of the day I thought.

**Paul's POV:  
**I sat there awaiting for the scene between Ian and me to begin and felt more sick than I ever did before. I saw I started shaking a bit, damn would that be of the heroin I hope not I took my last shot only eight hours ago. But I couldn't find another explanation shit I'm addicted again I thought by myself. Just when I was thinking this I felt an arm on my shoulder "I thought you could use a friend" I heard a familiar voice say.

"Hey Ian" I said. I watched him in the eyes and was tearing up. "Come here" he said and gave me a hug, I buried my face in his chest. "It's ok Paul let it go" he said. But I couldn't not in public. "I'm ok" I said while I smiled at him.  
We were in the middle of shooting and I remembered that I felt really dizzy and light headed. Next thing I remember is that I woke up in a hospital bed.

**Ian's POV:  
**He's far from ok every inch in my body said. In the middle of shooting the scene I saw how his eyes started to roll, he lost focus and just collapsed on the floor. "Paul, Paul" I screamed I bent down and felt his pulse. After that I shook him up and down, "come on wake up". Kevin came with water and we put him in the first aid position. "He has a pulse" I told Kevin. "Call the doctor" he shouted. It took about three minutes before he woke up. The set doctor was already there. "Ok" he said "let him wake up slowly, give him some space". I saw Paul looking around he had no clue what happened and had a terrified look on his face.

"Hey Paul are you with us" I heard the doctor say. It looked like he was falling away again. The doctor reacted quickly "no Paul no sleeping right now stay with us". He said while he held Paul's head up. It took some minutes and we let him lie on the ground. "Ok Paul how are you feeling now" the doctor asked. All the other actors including Nina and Julie had gathered around and were looking worried at Paul. "Ok Ian" the doctor said "help me sit him up against the wall". After being there for a while the doctor told me and Kevin to come with him and bring Paul to his office. Paul was still a little dazed and confused but it looked like things were starting to come back to him.

We put him down at the doctors examination table. "No, no" I heard him say "no doctors please, don't I don't want to" he started to cry. "Please". "Ok" the doctor said "he's still not with us I will check him but I order an ambulance this is really not good". "Please, please don't, let me go I have to go home" Paul cried while he tried to get up, but suddenly collapsed again on the table. "I have to go to my mother" he said, "she is sick you don't understand I have to go". God my heart stood still his mother died three months ago. "Doctor" I said "this is not ok please check him out".

"Paul" the doctor said "lay still for a few minutes the better you cooperate the earlier this is all over". This seemed to work Paul lay still but was still crying. I held his hand the entire time. The ambulance came and the doctor said that they had to check his blood level because his eyes stood weird. And to keep an close eye on him. I could ride with the ambulance. "Ian, Ian" he kept talking to me, at least he recognized me. "Where are we going, what are they doing". "Please don't let them touch me please, please". "Ok" the doctor at the hospital said "I'm going to let you sleep for a bit Paul it's better for you". "No" he sighed and then I saw his eyes close and he was under.


	3. Chapter 3

**HOSPITAL  
****  
Paul's POV:  
**I woke up due to a stray of sunshine that came through the window, my head did hurt as hell and I didn't recognize anything, I had no clue where I was or how I got here. I looked around the room and panicked. Then Ian stood next to my bed. "Paul" I heard him say. "Paul are you there". "Of course I'm here" I told him annoyed but also relieved I saw him. "Pff" I heard him sigh. "What happened" I asked. "You collapsed yesterday on set". "Wait, what yesterday". "You collapsed during a scene and you were out for a long time and after you woke up you weren't yourself". "You screamed and cried and talked about how you had to visit your mother" Ian said softly. "Then what's wrong with me" I asked.

"Paul do you really have to ask that question" Ian said. "Your neglecting yourself you are far underweighted and don't eat well". "And the doctor found another thing but I let him talk with you about that". "What the", I instantly saw I was hooked to all sorts of infuses. "What is this" I asked him "it's water and liquid food". "You were also dehydrated". "I'm going to get the doctor "he said. "Ian" I asked him "did you stay with me?". "Yes I did Paul" he answered, "thank you" I whispered.

The doctor came in the room without Ian this time. "Hello mister Wesley how are we feeling" he asked. "Terrible" I replied, "everything hurts". "Ok" the doctor said "I have to admit I'm very worried about your health sir and the way you take care of yourself". "Well actually the way you don't take care of yourself". "You have to eat better"." I understand that you're having a really hard time in life at the moment". "But the people who care about you are concerned and also think you're in a depression". "I suggest you let them help you with getting the help you need". The doctor went on and on with his scolding. "I don't feel well I know that but I can assure you that I'm going to be ok, I always turn out ok". "Mister Wesley" the doctor said "you only have on life". "Yes sir I know that" I said really irritated, "I just lost the person who meant the most to me in whole my life". "Don't come to me with that bullshit crap".

"Hey, hey, easy" Ian came in to the room an calmed me down. "The other thing we want to talk about doctor remember". "Ok Paul we found traces of drugs in your blood can you explain that to us". "I didn't I, don't do" I tumbled… "Paul you did drugs we all know the tests showed it come clear" Ian said. "Ok" I thought "I have to make something up". "Well I was at a party and they gave me something and I thought what the hell why not". "Is that what made me sick". "No Paul It is not" the doctor answered "it had maybe something to do with the delusions you had afterwards but not with that". "You have to eat better", "but I can't" I said, "it hurts to eat I can only eat liquid things". "Ok I will examine you for that". "But not now the nurse will come in and take your blood pressure and you have to rest but before you have to eat". "I will get something for you".

The doctor came back with a banana and some yoghurt "try this it is easy to swallow". "Ok" I said I started with the yoghurt but I had a lot of trouble keeping it down. I saw Ian looking at me and thought I have to finish this yoghurt. After I finished it I started the banana that did hurt like hell. It took me about half an hour to finish those two things. Ian was still looking at me and said "good job Paul I have someone who wants to speak to you here". The door opened and there stood my big sister Rachel. "Rae" I whispered "what are you doing here". "I heard my baby bro was in trouble" she said. "I leave you two too it" Ian said.

**Rachel's POV:  
**I was terrified after my father called me, he had a phone call from Ian that Paul had been taking to the hospital and was not doing so good. Dad couldn't leave New York so I decided to go. I arrived an hour ago and had a quick talk with the doctor and later with Ian. There were a lot of things that concerned me one of those was that he took drugs. It was hell growing up with him doing drugs it almost killed him. I had to confront him with it but carefully. He was very fragile at this point.

"Hey baby" I said. He started to cry with the sight of me. It was a desperate cry and one of shame. I saw that he was also really scared. I sat at his bed and we hugged he wouldn't let go of me. "I'm so sorry" he whispered. "I screwed up". "Tell me Paul how did you screw up". "I cannot take care of myself properly". "I see that" I said. "You starving yourself, your depressed". "We all love you and are scared for you" she said. "Paul I talked to the doctor and made an appointment with a psychologist for you". "He can talk with you about the loss of mother, and all the other stuff you are dealing with". "Please Paul" I begged "he's coming this afternoon and will talk with you". "Would you do that for us". "I guess" he said, but I heard In his voice that he didn't like it.

"Paul I have to ask you one question, why the drugs please tell me don't you remember what it was like for you in that time and for our family". "It was just one tiny slip" he said ashamed, "please believe me I will never do it again". "Please forgive me" he said. "We'll talk about it later ok, get some sleep" I told him. "Rae" he said, "when can I get out of here", "maybe tomorrow if the doctor says it's ok" I answered.

**Ian's POV:  
**He looks so fragile how could we let this happen. He really was in pain when he ate. How could that happen I'm going to figure this out. And I'm going to keep an close eye on him. "I go home" I told Paul "I see you tonight alright I will take Nina with me, if that's ok". "Yes" he said. "Sleep tight" I said to him "and talk with that man it's for your own sake".

**Paul's POV:  
**God now I have to talk to that man I thought. I don't want that but if I refuse I'm in much more trouble. I have to be careful with the heroin I'm a bit shaking already I have to score a fix or something. God I feel nauseous, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach, "Ian" I screamed Ian turned around "what is it Paul" he asked. "It hurts" I screamed "give me the bowl". I puked in the bowl and out came the yoghurt and the banana. Ian screamed for a doctor and my sister came running in too. The puking session did hurt like hell. "Au" I cried afterwards while I held my stomach.

The doctor came in "what is it Mr. Wesley" he asked. "He just puked out his breakfast and he's in a lot of pain" Ian said. I laid down on my pillow catching my breath. "Ok" the doctor nodded, "Paul can you sit up for me please" he asked me. I tried but my stomach did hurt so bad. "Ok" the doctor said "easy I'll give you something for the pain". After a few minutes it started to work. "You're still feeling sick" the doctor asked me, I shook my head "no not really" I whispered. "Ok you have to eat you can only leave here if you can keep something down for at least ten hours". He got me mashed potatoes and stayed with me so Ian could go home. My sister made some calls and the doctor ordered me to sleep till the psychologist came.

"Paul" I was woken up by my sister, "I would like you to meet doctor Morgan he's a psychologist at this hospital". "I explained that you are depressed and what happened in the last couple months". "I would like for you to talk to him". "I'm going to wait outside if you need something just yell ok". Then she left after kissing my forehead.

After I ditched the psychologist and told him how I missed my mother and admitted that I might be depressed I said I didn't need an new appointment. I phoned with my father and little sisters and said that I was going to be ok. I promised I would go on a visit soon. Rachel came in and said that she had to go back to New York. She had left Ian in charge to take care of me. "Get some sleep Ian and Nina will come tonight" she told me. "I love you" I said, "I know baby I love you too". "Now get better". "Call me when you get out, alright". "Say hello to everybody", "I will" she said.

Ian and Nina came in while I lay sleeping so where Kevin and Julie. Ian had a plate with my dinner. On the plate there was yoghurt potatoes, cooked carrots and meat. "Hey Paul wake up buddy dinner time" Ian gently woke me up. "Hey guys I said". "Good to hear you kept your potatoes down" Ian smirked. "The doctor gave this to me he said you had to eat". "Do I have to I'm not hungry" I sighed "I still have the needles and tubes in me so I get food". "Paul eat doctors orders" he repeated.

I started with the potatoes again it took me about twenty minutes to finish them. It did hurt like hell. "I can't anymore it hurts" I said "the meat is too hard and so are the carrots". "Ok" Ian said "I will mash your carrots so you can eat them better". After fifteen minutes I finished them. I ate the yoghurt and almost puked again. They all looked worried at me. "Are you anorectic or something" Julie asked worried. "It's not that I don't want to eat it just hurts and I keep throwing up", I told them. "I have only drank liquid protein shakes for the past month or so" I admitted.

**The next day:**

**Ian's POV:  
** Paul had to stay in the hospital till the second day after they admitted him. I was in charge of picking him up. I did not want for him to sleep alone that night so I planned to go first over to his house so he could take some stuff and I would let him sleep at my place for the next couple days. But first we had to get out of the hospital, the paparazzi knew something was wrong with Paul someone leaked the fact that he collapsed on set. So it was busy outside of the hospital. "Paul" I said "there is paparazzi standing outside", "why" he asked, "because they know that you are in here". "What how do they know" he sighed "someone told them you collapsed the other day". "Great" he said. "Put your hat on" I told him "I will guide you through, just don't talk". "Paul, Paul, how are you doing, are you better, Ian what is going on with him" they screamed. "Guys, guys" I said "no comment come on let us through please". "Come on move out of the way".

"Thank you Ian", Paul said when we were in the car. The poor guy was shaking. "How do you feel" I asked him, "weak" he answered "I'm glad I can sit" he answered me. "That's because you lay in a hospital bed for two day's" I said. "Ok I'm taking you home with me we pick up Nina and then we go to your apartment so you can get some stuff". "But I don't need a babysitter" Paul nagged. "Well you do and I promised your sister" I grinned. "Ok you're right" he said. "I'm really thankful for what you did and do for me" he answered. Ok there we are, Nina got in "hey babe" she gave me a kiss. Then she also kissed Paul "how are you doing hot stuff" she asked him, "great" he answered with a sarcastic tone. "There we are" I said when we pulled up at Paul's apartment. "We go get your stuff ok". "I need to take a quick shower" Paul said. "Ok but not too long and answer me when I call you please" I said.

**Paul's POV:  
**Damn I needed to get my stuff, it was in the bathroom so I could put on the shower and shoot something up. I really didn't like it but I had to as I was already in withdrawal and would soon start to shake more. I took my spoon and took a little bobble out of the medicine cab bet and put it on the spoon I took the lighter and heated It up. When it was ready and liquid I sucked it in the needle. I patted my arm so my artery was visible I heard Ian call "are you alright Paul?". "Yeah I'm ok" I screamed back. I pricked the needle in my arm, it felt so great god. "Pff" I sighed. I got to quit this I thought but I have to do it when I'm alone because else everyone will notice the symptoms.

I put the needle, lighter and spoon away in my bag and put some new balls of heroin in it. "So how was your shower" Ian asked "ok" I lied. I took some clothes and we were off to go. At Ian's place he had ice-cream I already had dinner in the hospital if you can call mashed potatoes again dinner. I could eat the ice-cream and it tasted awesome. "Ok" Ian said at ten o'clock "bed time for you mister". "I go to sleep too" Nina yawned. "Ok Paul if there's something wrong please scream, call or come to my room ok" Ian said to me. "Ok sleep tight". "Thank you guys for this" I repeated again.

**Thank you for the review.  
I'm going on a work holiday will be back next week.  
There might be a possibility I can post earlier but am not really sure.  
Please bare with me, I will update ASAP.**

**xxxxxxxxxxxx**


	4. Chapter 4

**I NEED YOUR HELP GUYS…**  
**  
****Two months later:**

**Paul's POV:  
**Everything was quite back to normal I still used heroin it did hurt when I had to eat but I found a solution for that. I started to eat more variety but still mashed everything. I always ate alone except for the first week. But I was putting on more weight, at least not losing more. I told them it didn't hurt that much anymore. They all were glad for me. My solution was I had to take the pain off my throat while I was eating so I started to cut myself on my upper underarm. It was winter so it was always cold no one would notice. And if someone saw it I would say it was a retch or I had an itch . It worked out perfectly but I knew it was not a good solution it was only temporary.

I had to quit the drugs but I couldn't, every time I stopped for a couple days people started to question my health. I couldn't do this it was too much pain. I started to cut myself more and more to fight the pain not only physical but also mentally I was so depressed. I missed my mother and that damn other thing I was concerned about Amber and our baby. And I hated my life at the time. I kept going on like this for three more weeks I had really bad trades on my arms and the needle holes where more visual than ever and they even where infected.

I didn't want this anymore I couldn't do this alone. The problem was too big for me to take on alone. I needed help, help from my friends help from my family maybe even professional help. I just had cut myself again I didn't only do it for food anymore, I also did it when I was feeling emotional pain. The last wound was still fresh I did it while I was thinking about how ashamed my mother would be. I just couldn't take it anymore and punched my hand against the wall, shit that really did hurt.  
Ian and Nina came in they heard the hit, "what's going on Paul" they asked.  
"Guys" I cried out "please come sit here it's time that I fess up". "I need help" I moaned. "Please you have to help me" I begged.

**Ian's POV:  
**He looks like hell, what on earth can be going on with him. I think he's more depressed than I ever thought he was. And he punched his hand to something that doesn't look good at all. "Ok Paul" I said "we'll come sit down with you". "Please close the door" he said. So I closed it. Nina sat next to Paul putting an arm around him and stroking his hear. "Please Paul tell us how we can help you" she whispered. "You have to stop me" he said crying and shaking. "I thought I could do this on my own, and I tried but I can't". "And I don't want to die" he cried out harder. "Paul, Paul easy" I said "you are not making sense right now".

**Paul's POV:  
**"You don't get it" I cried "I'm going to kill myself if I keep going on like this please help me". "Ok Paul easy tell us what you want to tell us" Ian said. "It's so hard to ask for help I wanted to ask for help tree months ago and every day after that but I just couldn't I thought I could do it by myself, but I was wrong". I doubted for a moment, but I had to I didn't care about my career anymore the only thing I cared about was my well being. I pulled up my sleeves and saw them gasp they saw the still fresh wounds and the marks on my arms. "Paul", Ian's voice said shaking "why would you hurt yourself, why would you do that". He took my arm and got a closer look at the wounds.

"Please" I said "that's not all it's just for helping the other pain go away". "Which other pain" Ian asked. "The pain I have while I'm eating or the emotional pain or the craving". "Which craving" Ian asked. "The reason why I'm in all of this shit is in my bag pack". "I tried to stop it I swear but I just couldn't I just couldn't" I cried even harder. Nina was still sitting next to me caressing my back. "I had to use it, at first It felt good when I did it I wasn't depressed anymore I did not have the think about anything". "But when it progressed it wasn't nice anymore I hated it and it was painful, but it was even more painful not to do it". Ian took my bag pack to me and said "whatever it is take it out".

"No I can't" I cried. "Would you like me to do it" Ian asked. "Yeah" I said "but be careful don't hurt yourself". "Ian pulled out the etui is this it" he asked. "Yes" I cried "open it", Ian opened it and sighted his eyes turned big. "Paul this really can kill you this is not good buddy". "I'm glad you came for help" he said. "What is it" Nina asked. "I want you to say it Paul", Ian said to me. "I can't" I was shaking even harder, "ok" I said "it's heroin" I rolled up my sleeves further so they could see my armpits, after that I ducked my face in my arms and started crying even more and harder.

"Ok" I heard Ian say "Nina I want you to get Kevin, Julie and the doctor". "No" I said "please don't". "Nina go" Ian said. "Please" Ian" don't do that to me please" I begged," you came to us for help" Ian said to me, "well this is us helping you". "How could you do this Paul you have your whole life in front of you why"? "It's called addiction" I said while I fell in his arms and cried like I never cried before.

**Ian's POV:  
**Shit, shit , shit and I thought he was doing better. I should of kept a closer eye on him. But as I thought how could I he wouldn't let me near him. He did this once before he now's the tricks. "It's going to be ok" I whispered in his ear while he clanged to me crying. I settled us on the couch and stroke his hair "we're going to help you I promise", I told him. "Where did you get the stuff" I asked, " someone around the area" he answered. "How often do you use", no answer. "Paul I want to know". "Once sometimes twice a day" he cried. Shit, God that's a big addiction I thought. "How many times do you cut yourself?". "Every time I eat and when I'm feeling down" he admitted. He cried out again heavy. "We're going to help you," I repeated again, "were going to help you".****

Nina's POV:  
I ran through the set I was still confused and shocked about what I just witnessed, my friend in so much pain. With so much trouble. I found the doctor first and sent him to Paul's trailer I asked him to wait outside. Then I saw Julie and Kevin, "come quick please" I pleaded. I just realized I was crying. "What is it" they asked "come please". "What is this about" they asked shocked "it's about Paul" I said. "Please come with me". They waited before Paul's trailer and I knocked. Ian came out for a sec and whipped the tears of my face he had tears in his eyes too. Kevin and Julie also saw this. "Why are you two crying" Julie asked us. Ian said "Paul has to confess something and it's not good please don't judge him let him tell". "We have to help him" Ian said.

**Paul's POV:  
** I was in shock I still sat crying with my head in my arms while the door opened. Ian, Nina, Kevin, Julie and the doctor came in. Ian said that they had to close the door and sit down. He walked towards me and gently pulled my arms from my head. He laid me bear arms in front of the group which exposed my cut marks. They were quiet I only heard them gasp. After the first shock the doctor's instinct took over and he started to ask questions.

"Paul" he said "look at me and please answer my questions". "How long have you been cutting yourself?". " A month or two" I answered "since I left the hospital". "Why are you cutting yourself ", "wait" he took a closer look and looked at my arm pits."The cutting is not the only thing isn't it". I shook my head. "What do you mean" Kevin and Julie asked even more shocked. The doctor explained; "he has trademarks of needles in his armpits". "He's shooting something up". "What are you using Paul" the doctor asked. I shook my head "no I won't say please don't make me say it again" I cried. "Paul I want you to tell me" the doctor said louder. "Heroin" Ian answered. They all couldn't say much for a little time. It was shocking to see them sit there.

I flew up and ran to my bathroom they tried to stop me but I already locked the door. I heard the doctor say "we have to get him out of there who knows what he does to himself". I took my knife and started to cut my arms badly, I cut wherever I could. I didn't care anymore. The doctor and Kevin kicked open the bathroom door . I screamed and cried that they had to go. The doctor quickly took my knife and Kevin took my bleeding arms. Ian ran in and held my body my face and whispered in my ear "Paul please stop it, let us help you"."Shh you're going to be ok buddy". Everyone went out of the bathroom except for Ian he stayed with me. "They are going to discuss what to do alright" he told me. "Don't go" I said to him, "I'm staying with you" he said to me. And for the first in a long time I felt safe.

**Ian's POV:  
**I wetted a towel and started to clean the wounds on Paul's arms he was calming down a bit after the huge breakdown he had earlier. I was angry at myself that I didn't notice anything about this. I was a bit mad at Paul but I was also proud at him for telling us and admitting he had a problem. There's a lot of courage needed for that. I saw Nina come in she said "I will stay with him for a minute go listen and try to find a solution". She took over the wet towel and started to dap his wounds carefully. There was still a panic in his eyes and he hadn't talked after he begged me not to leave him. "Ok but be careful" I whispered to Nina. "I will" she said.

I gathered me with the others standing in the room. "What are we going to do", I asked them. "He needs professional help that's for sure he can't go on like this". The doctor said that he knew a good rehab centre in Atlanta. We called and they would send someone over, to check on Paul and to make a plan with us. I called Paul's father and told him parts and bits of the situation he decided to come to Atlanta immediately. His younger daughters had holiday and spend them with friends and after that their big sister would take them in.

****

Paul's POV:  
I thought I started to calm down a bit but I was not completely sure about it. I could have some bad moments especially when I was craving a bit. I was scared that I would hurt Nina if I wanted to get away quick. So I asked: "Nina can we please go back to the room I want to sit on the couch". "Sure we can" she said. I tried to stand up but felt really dizzy "whoa" I said, she felt I had trouble standing up so she patted my head and said "I'm going to get some help ok". "Be right back". I tried not to freak when she was gone I knew I was really sick at the moment and also lost a lot of blood because of the cutting. I was really scared again and started to freak.

**Ian's POV:  
**Nina came in and asked if we could help. She said that Paul wanted to sit on the couch but couldn't get up himself. Kevin and I went to the bathroom and picked Paul up. "Easy buddy" I said when Paul was trying to stand up quick. He stood on his feet and almost collapsed on the ground. "Dizzy" he groaned. He lay his head on my shoulder and was not able to walk really good. When we finally had him on the couch. We told him we invited a man from a rehab centre here in Atlanta who would arrive soon. He would talk to him and we would look for the options we had. I also told him I called his father whom was coming.

"No, no" he said "I don't want to hurt my father please don't let him see me this way, not again". "It will break his heart". He started to panic again. To take his mind of the doctor took a towel, bandages and started to clean the wounds further. "Au" I heard Paul groan when the doctor cleaned up the wounds. "Ok" he said "I'm going to disinfect them, it's going to sting a lot but you will get through it". "Ok" he told me "hold him still". He defected the wounds and Paul screamed and cried of the pain. "Paul" the doctor asked "we saw your lower arms and your arm pits is there another place where you've harmed yourself".

He just nodded and started to cry again. "Where" the doctor asked. He nodded to his upper arms and there were a lot more wounds. All cut marks some very old which I saw they would be there his further life it where real scars. After the doctor cleaned all the wounds he said he first wanted that the guy from the rehab center saw all the cuts.

I asked the doctor if we could talk for a minute. The others stayed with Paul, I asked the doctor; "I just can't figure out why does someone hurt himself that badly". "I get the addiction part you can't stop but why the cutting". The doctor explained me that Paul was sick, he had an addiction he wanted to fled his own life. The cuts are a scream for help, help he didn't dare to ask. They are there to forget about the mentally pain and physical pain, to endues the pain there he would not feel other pain. And just as the heroin it became an addiction. It sounded fair still I was pissed. Pissed at Paul for getting in this shit and not asking for help, but mostly of myself for not going further and persuading him for getting help. I knew he was not alright, I knew he was depressed. But I listened to him, when he told that he was going to be ok. I believed him. Bad move.

**I'm BACK! xxx**


	5. Chapter 5

**PROFESSIONAL HELP  
**  
**Paul's POV:  
**I lay down on the couch and was shaking. The doctor asked me when the last time was that I used "about eight hours" I answered him. "So" Ian asked "he's in redraw right now"? "I think he is" the doctor said. I couldn't take it any more I needed my stuff, "give my etui" I said. "What are you going to do with it" the doctor asked. "I need it" I said. I couldn't believe my eyes and ears when the doctor gave it to me. "Why are you doing that" Ian snapped "he's going to use". "Yes I know" the doctor said "but I'm curious if he will use in the room with us". "But if he uses now he's more focused and the intake in the rehab will go easier so he hasn't symptoms then".

Ian grabbed the etui out of my hands and said "no freaking way". "Give it back" I growled, it did cost all my willpower not to attack him. "Ian" I said "please I need it". The doctor nodded at him and he gave it back to me. "So he just can shoot up" Ian asked irritated "after everything we went to the last hour you are going to let him shoot up that nasty stuff". "Yes" the doctor answered "you know why because he clearly needs it". "I will watch that he does nothing dangerous"." Well than I'll watch too" Ian said. "Ian no, I don't want you to see it". "That's your problem buddy" he said, "better thought about that before you started"." Ian don't please don't judge me I need it". I started to cry again.

" Screw I don't want to do it" I said. I buried my head in my hands again and afterwards I tried to get up but I collapsed back on to the couch. "Why can't I just walk" I cried hysterically. "Because you're weakened, on edge , exhausted and scared". "Lay down" the doctor said, "I'm going to check on the others outside". Kevin and Ian stayed with me and tried to comfort me. "Try to sleep" Ian hushed. "Sleep dude everything hurts I can't sleep, I don't want to sleep". "I'm scared" I cried. "Ssh" Ian said "it's ok your allowed to be scared". " I'm right here with you Kevin Is here you're going to be ok". "How do you know I screwed up big time I'm not going to be ok I better be death".

**Ian's POV:**  
"Paul don't say that", I saw the panic in his eyes and prepared for another freak out moment. I was right although he was at that point far too weak to get up. So that failed. I held him on the couch. "Calm down I said calm down, are you calm". "I guess" he said. Kevin and me stepped back that was a mistake he rolled himself of the couch head first so that he hit the hard ground. "Damn" I cursed, "Paul fuck you". "For god sakes stop hurting yourself". The doctor came in quickly and we pulled a crying Paul back on the couch. "Ok" the doctor said, "Paul stop it". "Else I'm going to have to restrain you am I clear". "Restrain me" he begged, "I don't want to hurt myself I just have to". "You sure that is what you want" the doctor asked, "no that's not what I want but this is best for me isn't it" he cried.

I was so sorry for my buddy when I saw him there addicted, scarred, panic in his eyes. I saw a little boy. Julie and Nina came in "we would like to stay with Paul for a minute" they said. "But I could hurt you" he said "no you won't" they said. The doctor said it was maybe for the best for him to have some other company for a while. I didn't trust it much, "scream when you need me" I whispered in Nina's ear. "Behave" I told Paul with a serious look, I just couldn't take the look in his eyes. I gave him a kiss on his forehead and a hug, "love you buddy you know that, that will never change, we're going to help you".  
**  
Nina's POV:  
**I sat down on the couch an laid Paul's head on my lap. "You are giving us quite a scare babe" I said to him. "I know" he said "I'm so, so sorry for this". "If I could handle it myself I would but I just can't anymore". "We know and were glad that you told us". "We're proud of you that you told us and came for help". "Were not proud of what you did but there's a lot of courage needed to confess something like this". "Yes" Julie said "and now we're going to give you the help you asked for and that you need". "And you're going to be ok". "But I'm going to screw up the show with this" he said again crying. "Honey" Julie said "we'll figure something out the most important thing and only thing you have to think about right now is to get better".

**Ian's POV:  
**A man mid fifties came walking toward Kevin and me, he told us he was looking for the doctor. "Are you the guy from the rehab centre" I asked him. "Yes" he, said. "Please wait here for a moment" I told him I went back in to Paul's room where the doctor sat with Nina and Julie. Paul finally calmed down and was sleeping I thought , at least his eyes were closed.

"Doc" I said the guy is here. "Ok" the doctor said and came out of the room. He explained to the man from the rehab centre what happened the past couple hours. He told about the drugs, cutting, eating problems and the depression. He also asked for discrete matter cause of Paul's status as 'famous person'.  
The guy asked if he could see Paul for himself. So he and the doctor went in the room and Julie and Nina went outside. "Can I stay" I asked the guy he nodded. "Alright" I said "I wake him up". "Paul , buddy wake up, wake up". I softly shook him.

**Paul's POV:  
**I heard my name somewhere far away and felt a hand on my shoulder. I was waking up, shit I thought did I fess up. I think so, no that was not a dream it was real and so was the pain and withdrawal I felt. "Ian" I sighed with a weak voice. "Yeah it's me buddy" he said. "What's happening to me" I cried out, "you're just going through some withdraw" I heard the doctor say. I tried to sit up but I couldn't on my own I was shaking as hell, "why can't I get up" I groaned out loud. "We'll help you buddy" Ian said to me.

When I sat up I saw a strange man standing behind Ian and the doctor. "Paul" I heard the doctor say "this is DR Drew he's from a rehab centre in Atlanta he's going to talk with us and is going to look what you need ok". I nodded.

"Hi" the doctor smiled at me and handed his hand, I shook it. "Can I come sit next to you" he asked. I said yes. Ian and the set doctor started to walk out of the room. "Where are you going" I asked them. "Outside so you two can talk in private". "I don't want to" I nagged, "Ian please stay" I begged him almost crying again. Ian looked at DR Drew he nodded "if he wants you to stay you can". "Ok" Ian nodded and came sit next to me on the other side of the couch.

"So Paul" the doctor said "I'm going to say what I heard about the situation you're in right now". "If I say something that is untrue or if you don't agree interrupt me ok". I just nodded.  
"I heard your mother died a few months ago my condolences for that", "thank you" I whispered. "Your girlfriend broke up with you that same time", "fiancé" I added. "Right fiancé" the doctor stated. "You're in a depression at this moment is that correct?". "Yes, I think so". "How long have you been in this depression?". "I think since my mother died but probably earlier".

"So your friends told me that two months ago you ended up in the hospital because you collapsed on set due to neglecting behavior". "They didn't know that time that this was the side effect of you drug addiction". "You have trouble eating ever since you started the drugs and only can bear liquid things". "You started to cut yourself to get rid of the pain during eating but started to cut more to flee all the other pain in your life". "And today you couldn't take it anymore and confessed your problem on your own account to your friends". The doctor said. "I heard that you had an addiction between the age of fifteen and twenty". "Is that correct?". I just nodded.

"So you confessed because you want help". "You tried to quit yourself but your attempt failed so you're looking for help in your friends". "They can't give you the help you need so I came in to provide that help". "Are you willing to check yourself into a rehab centre and accept the help and thereby rules we will give you and follow the program". "Yes" I said crying again. Ian comforted me by putting his hand on my shoulder.

"Ok I'm going to ask you a few questions please answer them honestly that's the only way I can help you alright".

"When did you start taking the drugs". "Two months after my mother died" I answered. "So you are using about four months now". "Which drug did you use?" "Heroin?". "Only heroin". "Yes only heroin". "How often?" "It started with once and then it became three times per week and after that it only got more and more". "How often do you use now"," one to two times a day". "That is a pretty serious addiction you couldn't go on like that for very much longer". "So you couldn't eat I heard you where very tin a few months ago you seem on a good weight right now so you started eating more". "Yeah but that's only because I cut so the pain goes away". "Ok Paul let me see you arms" I showed him my arms so he could take a look at the cut wounds and needle holes.

"Why do you cut Paul?". I looked at him confused. "Oh I know why you cut you just have to realize yourself" he added. "Because I'm hurting" I said "physically and mentally". "Because I'm scared". I said.  
"So the last thing I want to know is what happened in between the period you used when you were younger". "Do I have to tell that because the only people who know how bad it has been are my parents and sister". "I need to know else I can't help you". "What did you use how bad did it go". " I used everything" I said: "ecstasy, cocaine, heroin, speed, meth, alcohol". "You where in a rehab facility?" "Right" the doctor asked. " Yes I was" I answered.

"You have been admitted to a mental institution" the doctor said out of the blue. I looked shocked at him. "How did you know that". "That supposed to be sealed". "Yes Paul that is sealed only doctors can get in that". "I needed all your mental information, so if you have a good reason and permission from the person or legal guardian we can open your file". "So who gave you permission" I asked. "Your father did" he said. "So why where you in the mental institution" he asked. "Because I tried to commit suicide twice" I cried out. Ian looked at me with big eyes. "How did you try to do that" the doctor asked, "first I took an overdose my sister found me on the bathroom floor just in time to save me". "The second time was while I was in the hospital recovering I was desperate and stabbed myself in the chest with a knife after that I spent a year in an institution and in rehab". "And till I started using again four months ago I had not used anything at all no drugs and no alcohol since I got out of the facilities".

"Paul I admire your courage to talk about this , step out with your problem and seeking help" the doctor said. "I'm proud of you" I heard Ian whisper. While he pulled me in a tight embrace.  
Out of the blue a feeling of nausea hit me. "I need to puke" I sight so the doctor grabbed a bowl I puked in it and started to shake even harder. I was sweating like hell.

"Ok Paul" he said when I was done puking. "I will you give something for the nausea". "And I'm going to bandage your wounds". He covered my wounds and asked If I had any drugs on me "probably I said I think in my wallet". "And I'm pretty sure I have drugs somewhere in this room and there also is some in my apartment". "Ok" the doctor said "we are going to check that out I will take you to the rehab centre". "MR Somerhalder can get you some close and toilet stuff". "I will check you in and give you a physical checkup". "Afterwards you can spend some time with your friends and than your going to have a few rough nights getting clean".

**Ian's POV:  
**I was so sad for Paul, the way he sat there and answered the questions. I couldn't believe what I heard when he told he tried to commit suicide twice. I had seen the scar on his chest but was told that it was a scar of a operation. I went to Paul's apartment to pick up his clothes. I went to the bathroom and found his stash. I left It there so the other people could see it and could clean his house and the trailer good before he came home. I got a phone call it was Paul's father. He would board the plane in a few minutes and arrived at 3am in Georgia I agreed to pick him up and bring him to the facility.


	6. Chapter 6

**I DON'T WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE******

Paul's POV:  
I have never been that scared in my live Ian was gone getting all my stuff and I was on the passenger's side of the car. Next to me sat DR Drew. He tried to comfort me by saying that we were going to work on my recovery. I asked him "how long is this going to take". "Well" he answered "that depends on you". "But I have the show and everything I can't just vanish for three months and leave it". I felt a breakdown coming. My breathing became heavy and I had panic written all over my face. "Paul" the doctor pulled over the car "I want you to breath slow, inhale/exhale and try to relax". "Were trying to make everything ok, alright were almost there". I was shaking "ok" I sobbed.

We were at the facility and I saw Ian was already standing outside. He walked to the car and pulled me out gently. "Hey bud" he said, "Ian" I cried "I'm losing it I'm going crazy" I sight, "please help me". "Bring him inside" the doctor said. So Ian did he gently pulled an arm around me and I tried to walk but my body just shut down I almost collapsed at the ground weren't it for Ian holding me up. The doctor saw and asked for a gurney. "Ok bud" Ian said "sit down", I was glad I didn't have to stand anymore, the gurney came out and I needed help to get on it. As soon as I lay on it I drifted to sleep.

When I woke up I was laying in a room, I still had my blooded clothes on. The bandages where taken from my arms. I was sweating, shaking and in pain. The wounds on my arms were scratching and I tried to cut them open with my fingers. Suddenly I felt a hand take my hand away, I looked to the right and my heart stood still.

"Daddy" I whispered then I started to cry. I cried of shame, fear and hurt I didn't want my father to go through this again. He shouldn't be sitting here with me he should be in New York to comfort my sisters, they lost their mother too. "Hush" he said when I started to cry. My bleeding arms tugged him in a hug and I hid my head on his chest he patted my back and stroke my hair, "you're going to be ok" he whispered to me.

"What are you doing here" I asked him, "well that is kind of a silly question isn't it" he said. "I'm so sorry" I whispered "so sorry". "I just couldn't stop anymore and it went downhill from there" I cried into my dad's chest unable to face him. "Paul look at me" he said, "look at me" my eyes met his they were soft "I'll forgive you son" he said. "I'm going to get the doctor now", "Dad don't leave", " I won't, be back in a sec" he answered.

Dad came back with dr. Drew and some other guy, he said "hey Paul how are you feeling", "terrible" I answered. "We searched your room, house and belongings and got rid of all the drugs, we only need your clothes and then we are going to search this room again just to be sure". "Do you have any drugs on you" he asked me, "probably" I said "but I don't know where, I have stuff in my wallet for sure".

"Ok undress and put some new clothes on please". "The doctor will give you a check up afterwards". Dad said to me. I started to change and afterwards the other doctor looked at my wounds I was so ashamed mostly because my dad was watching, I could see the pain on his face. When the doctor left my dad asked me "why". "I don't know" I said "I was scared, it took the other pain away it felt good". "I forgot everything else I became numb didn't feel anything". "It was nice I guess".

The doctor came back in "Paul" he said "because you are heavily addicted we are going to give you something to help you detox, this is methadone it will help with the pain". "We are not going to start therapy or let you talk to a shrink before you are clean". "So you are going to have a rough couple of days we put you on a machine and have a camera in your room so we can check on you". "The doctor and nurses will check on you regularly and you are allowed to have visitors during detox". "Visiting hours are from 10 am till 10 pm I will make an exception for your father tonight he can stay with you if he wants to".  
  
**10 hours in detox.******

Paul's POV:  
"Dad" I sighed "yes Paul" he answered, "I don't want this anymore". "What is it you don't want any more" my dad asked. "I just can't". "What is it please tell me" my dad asked. "I don't want to live anymore" I whispered. "What" my father sighed out. "I just can't dad I don't like my life anymore, I only hurt, I want it to stop I want the hurting to stop". "The only reason I'm still here is that I don't want to hurt you guys anymore". "I don't want to think like this but it keeps coming back". "It doesn't go away I tried to block it out for a while but it comes back every single time I feel down". "And lately I can say I felt down all the time". "Please let me go, please daddy".

"Paul hush" my father said, "you're going to detox right now, you can't think clear now everything hurts but everything is going to be ok when your sober and had your rehab". "Dad you don't understand, this is not because I'm in detox". "I'm walking along with the thought of suicide ever since mom died and I went in my depression, I just never had the guts to try to do it again". "I just couldn't do that to you guys". I talked to my father in tears but very calmly. "Paul" he said in a whisper "you really mean this don't you". I just nodded. My dad came sit on the bed with me, and pulled me in a tight hug. "I'm glad you talked about this with me" he said. "We figure a way through this the only thing I want is for you to be happy".

"But Paul I want you to listen carefully to me I will never let you do something to yourself". "I won't allow that". "So you talked about suicide but I will never allow you to take your own life". "We will figure away through this alright Paul". I cried in his arms "alright" I said.  
"Then let me now push this button I think you have to tell the doctor what you just told me". "I don't want to but I think it's better when I do" I whispered. "That's my boy" my dad whispered while he pushed the button and kissed my head.

**Paul's fathers POV:  
**Shit, what I see now is that eighteen year old boy who really tried to commit suicide. I see him lying there and all I want to do is thigh him up so he won't do anything like that. I also know now my son was talking very reasonable he meant every word he said and knew what he was talking about. That eighteen year old boy was confused, desperate and heavily under the influence. My Paul now was depressed and desperate he wasn't confused he talked very reasonable.

"He's suicidal" I said to the doctor, "sir I know my son he tried this before twice you know". "The only difference is he admitted it now and talks reasonable". "You can get back in the room and ask about what he told me". "I don't want him to say those words again". "Well I will look at the tape with you sir" the doctor said "but I also want to hear it from him". The doctor looked at the tape with me, "you handled it very well sir" he complemented me. "We go back to your son and start talking with him".

The doctor came walking in. "Ok Paul I think you won't agree with me and I know your more reasonable then you where ten years ago but I have to ask doctor Drew to put you under suicide watch". "I will not take any chances". "Sir would you please step outside with me for a minute" the doctor asked, I hesitated "actually not really" I said. "Dad" Paul said to me "go with him". "Would you please put someone in the room with him I won't leave till theirs someone". The doctor nodded, he pushed on his pacer and a nurse came. "Would you please stay with mister Wesley he said, keep an eye on him if he does something hit the button alright". "I love you dad" I heard him say.

**Poor Paul….**


	7. Chapter 7

**WHY DO I SCREW UP EVERY TIME  
****  
Paul's POV:  
**I was glad I told my father how I felt. I really did want the help I didn't want to commit suicide. The nurse in the room looked familiar to me. She was pacing in the room really nervous. "You look familiar" I said to her. "You remember me" she asked, "well I'm just positive I met you before". "Can't just place it yet". "I interviewed you once on set, yeah your from side reel right". "So I will not tell anyone you're in here I will give you some discrete". "You know that's really sweet of you but honestly I don't give a wrath about it anymore". "I probably won't be able to come out of this anymore". "So I'm already done". "You're in a really dark place aren't you" she asked me.

"I am" I answered "now don't be scared" I said I pulled a razor knife from under the bed which I hid there. "Please let me do I it won't hurt you". I took the knife and slid my wrist vertical so I was positive I cut it right. She screamed and pushed the red button, she then ran and pushed me away and took the knife. I did cut one wrist but couldn't hold onto the knife because I was already weakened from today. The doctor and my father flew in and I knew by that time the cut wasn't deep enough I failed. "Damn" my father cursed the doctor told the nurse to get out. "Paul can you hear me" he said to me. "Get out, go away please just let me die, just let me please" I groaned.

"Paul" the doctor said "I'm going to let you sleep for a while that's better for you". "Please let me sleep forever" I begged. "No Paul", the doctor said while he shoot something in my arm. My eyes started to get heavy and I slid away.

**Paul's fathers POV:  
**"How is he" I asked the doctor, "it was a weak and desperate try he didn't cut deep enough and the nurse was quick with him". "What are we going to do"? "I'm going to admit him to the hospital at our facility he will detox under 24 hour suicide watch and you will be allowed in 24/7 so you can be with him." "I suggest you take turns with other people". "He will have visits from a psychiatrist twice a day". "When he's fully detoxed and reasonable he's going to come back here and we start his treatment". "But that will take time". "Please tell people and make a schedule so you can be with him, we will take him up, clean him and check everything".

"He will sleep for at least four more hours and will be restrained when he wakes up". "He stays in a room with things that are attached to the ground so he can't do anything stupid". "Ok" I sighed. I called my daughter and told her. "I will be away for quite some time I can't leave him here like this". She replied she would take care of the girls. I called Ian, he would tell the rest and be on his way.

**Ian's POV:  
**I put down the telephone I couldn't believe my ears. I was back on set and was in a room with Nina, Julie, Kevin, Joseph and Matt. The latter two where told after Paul left for rehab. What was it they asked me. "He tried to commit suicide" I let out. "Well is he ok" they asked "no he's in no way ok but he didn't succeed it was a weak and desperate try". "I will go to the hospital" I explained where he was and what was going to happen. "I'll go with you" Nina said. "Alright we'll come tomorrow" the others said.

**Paul's POV:  
**I woke up and couldn't move my arms, damn I was restrained. I reckoned I was in a different room and tried to get my hands loose but didn't succeed, I screamed that they had to release me. The doctor came in. "Paul do you remember what happened" he asked. "Of course I remember", "what is you feeling about that". "What's that for stupid question" I asked. "Paul I want you to answer me normal, don't give me a smart mouth" I looked at the doctor and knew he meant it, "honestly I don't know". "Can you free me from this restrains", I asked. "No Paul not yet", "I promise I won't do anything to myself I made a mistake earlier", "you see the problem here Paul, you said that a few hours ago too and look where we are now". "I will come and talk to you again in a few hours, if you need anything ask you father or your friends to call me". Shit my father I disappointed him again I thought. "Is he ok" I whispered "he's keeping his head up but to be honest I don't think he can handle much more". "So I'll let your father in and then your friends can come too". "I guess" I said. "Doctor" I said while he walked away, "I'm sorry I caused you this much problems". "Don't worry about it son it comes with the job" the doctor answered.

"Daddy" I whispered when he came in, "hey my boy" he said. "I'm sorry I put you through this". "I will not disappoint you again" I said. "The only way my son you can disappoint me again is when you try this again". "I know" I said. "I won't do it again, can you ask them to get rid of the restrains for me please". "Son I would love to ask that, but for now I think it's better you stay this way for a while". "You can't blame me for losing my trust in you for this moment". "I know" I cried, " I love you". "I will do anything to regain that trust and to get better, and I mean that" I said. "I'm glad you mean that" he said. He gave me a kiss on my head. "I'm going to go to sleep for a while Ian and Nina are here they will keep you company". "Ok" I said. He turned around and said, "please Paul don't ever do this to me and mostly to yourself again, there's a line you know, there's just so much a person can take".

**Ian's POV:  
**I came into the room with Nina. I saw my best friend my brother laying there totally broken unable to move properly. I saw he was exhausted and he had cried a lot. "You have to stop doing this" I said while I gave him a hug and a kiss on his head. Nina came up and kissed him on his mouth "please Paul stop this crap" she said while I saw the tears on the surface of her eyes.

"Why did you do it" I asked him. " **I don't know he said, I don't know anything; why I use drugs, why I cut myself, why I don't want to live anymore, how I got here, why I let this happen to myself, why it happened to me". "Why I'm depressed, why I try to hurt myself, why I hurt everyone I know. Why I keep screwing up". "And still all these thoughts go through my head, and I know how bad and screwed up this is, the only thing I want right know is my knife and cut myself, so for a few seconds I'm in control of the pain I feel". "I can stop it whenever I want I don't feel the other pain I'm in".  
**  
After that confession I looked at the doctor, he saw my look and took me outside the room while Nina stayed with Paul. Paul's father joined us and the doctor explained what he planned to do. "He's very reasonable" the doctor said, "he knows all the answers although he thinks he doesn't". "To be honest I am concerned and think this is going to be a battle field". "I think he will rise above this, but I think we can't fix his problems in one time, he will have a lot off bad days". "The most important thing right now is that we keep the suicide thought out of his head and treat his drug addiction and depression"." The cutting is terrible but I think that will last the longest, I'm thinking of giving him the trust of cutting with supervision so if he needs it he comes to one of us and he can". "Thereby he has one thing in his life he has control on".

"So you mean we are going to allow that he cuts himself". "Yes but only under supervision, it's going to be awkward for him so I think it will decrease by the weeks".  
"So we leave him the restrains for a while and then start with his therapy, he's lucky because he's almost fully detoxed because of the medication he got yesterday and earlier today". "Ok" I said "you are the expert doc". The doctor said " it's very important that he gets his rest now and so do you guys". "He's safe for now he can't do anything cause he's restrained I suggest you catch some sleep too". "Ok we will, "Thank you doctor" Paul's father said.

I walked back into Paul's room, Nina was still stroking his hair and holding his hand. "He's exhausted" she whispered to me, "yeah he needs to sleep and so do we". "Ok Nina said we are going to leave you alone for a bit so you can sleep" she kissed him and walked away. I went over to my bud and gave him a kiss on his head. "We'll be back in a few hours".


	8. Chapter 8

**CUTTING**

**Paul's POV:  
**I was awoken by the doctor who came into my room, he had to measure my blood pressure and shined a light in my eyes. "How are you feeling" he asked. "Ok I guess" I answered, "you don't have to be strong Paul, you don't have to hide your feelings here, you can talk about it". "That's the whole point of you being here and asking for help". "You don't have to hide who you are and you don't have to be ashamed of it".

The doctor came sitting on my bed, "so tell me how are you feeling". "I don't know" I answered "I'm hurting, I'm scared, I'm ashamed of myself of what I did to myself". "I really don't want to die but I also don't know how I can live anymore". "I'm terrified for the things I have to go through and for the people I will hurt along the way". "So death makes everything a lot easier not only for myself but also for the people I love". "I hurt them only once instead of disappoint them every time again". "But honestly I don't want to die, but my mind keeps telling me I have to".

"Your sincerely about that aren't you"? "Yes I am, I just can't see anyone hurting any more specially not my father who shouldn't even be here, he needs to be with my sisters I'm feeling guilty about that". "I feel guilty for my friends/colleges because I tricked them, I'm angry at myself that I didn't ask for help earlier I was scared and thought I could do it on my own but obviously I couldn't". "I should of known that because earlier I couldn't do it on my own either". "I'm just scared of what's going to happen". "I'm scared because I can't control my feelings and my pain". "I had just one thing which I had control over and that is gone now too". "With that you mean the cutting don't you" the doctor asked, "yes" I whispered "that's exactly it".

Than something unexpected happened the doctor untied me and sat the bed I was laying on a little straight so I could sit up. "I'll trust you with this one" the doctor said, "but don't mistaken me your still under 24-hour suicide watch". He then put the razor blade out of his pocket. "Here" he said, "you do what you have to do, but I want the thing back when you're finished". I looked at him and asked "is this a trick". "No Paul this is no trick, I've discussed this with your father and your friends".

"I explained them that you need to be in control of something so you can cut when and only when you ask for it and there has to be someone in the room with you". "We limit it to two times a day, you understand that". "But that's not going to stick forever, we are going to less it by time". "Ok". "So you need to cut" the doctor asked, "I actually do" I said. "Ok go ahead don't go to deep" , the doctor saw my hesitation. "I'm not tricking you". "I know it's confusing for you now but we're trying to make it awkward so you go less and less". "Ok" I said, I took the blade and found a clean place on my arm, "oh and Paul" the doctor added "only horizontal cuts".

I cut my arm while the doctor watched, it felt like a relieve I sighed and let my breath out, it was the best feeling in the world. The best I ever felt before. I had to go without it for almost three days. I already set three cuts. I could have going on for a while but just realized the doctor was in the room. I felt ashamed again I bowed my head and gave the razor back. "It's ok Paul" the doctor said, "no need to be ashamed". "Don't feel down now, I saw how your eyes lighted up and you were relieved for a while, that's what we want to accomplish". "It's ok no judging". "Thank you doctor" I said, "for trusting me with this and allowing me to do this".

"You're feeling better now" the doctor asked. "Matter of fact I do" I said. "I'm hungry can I eat something?". "You want liquid or regular food", "I want both so if one doesn't suite I can try the other"."Ok". The doctor went out and a male nurse came standing in my room. "Suicide watch" I grinned at him. Not the doctor but Ian came back with my food he smiled, "look at you your allowed to move your arms again, how convenient".

"It's ok I got him" he said to the male nurse "just hit the button when there's an emergency". "I will" Ian replied. He looked down at my arm, the blood was still streaming, I became ashamed of it again and bowed my head. Ian took me in a hug "it's ok bud, I'm already glad you're doing better". "It's ok we agreed with the doctor". "You did?", "yes we did". "Now shall we try to eat something", "yeah" I said "let's do it".

I felt better than I did in a long time. I smiled when Ian came with a spoon and said "here comes the airplane" I hit him playfully on his shoulder. "I haven't seen this Paul in a while I like him, missed him". "So did I", I replied. I was eating and it went very well I couldn't eat much but It didn't hurt. "So let's clean up that arm shall we". Ian I asked seriously. "Can I do that myself", "ok you can". "Your still a bit ashamed of it aren't you".

"Well Paul I won't say I really am glad about it but I can see it helps you so next time you want to do it and I'm around I would like to help you with it and see it". "Man you really want to see me mess myself up". "You dork" Ian said. We started to laugh and I started to push Ian, hid him and went on punching him playfully he did the same only softly. Right when we were laughing and having fun my dad came in and smiled by the sign of me having fun.

**Paul's fathers POV:  
**I Saw my son smiling again, the doctor told me about their last heart to heart and said he was doing better. He had cut his arm in the presence of the doctor and that went well. The doctor warned me, because there would be a lot of blows, because he's so happy and feeling good now this won't last all of the time. But for now my son was happy and playing around, I would only be positive with him right now. "Hey dad" he said while he smiled at me, "hey my boy" I said. "How are you feeling" I asked him, "actually I'm feeling great" he replied, "I'm glad of that. "I'm going to let you two talk" Ian said an went out of the room, before he left he yelled "hey and clean up you dork", referring to my arm.

I looked at my sons arm and saw the blood still stream down his hand. I suddenly saw his face sadden, "hey it's ok" I told him. "It's going to be just fine come here" I embraced my son in a tight hug. "I'm glad you're feeling so good today". "So I heard Julie, Kevin, Nina, Joseph and Matthew are coming tonight". "So I'm going to your place and catch some sleep", "you haven't slept" he asked me " to be quite honest not a minute" I replied. "I'm so sorry" he said. "But now I see your feeling better I can go sleep for a while".

"Oh and you have to clean up your act soon because your sisters are coming the day after tomorrow". I saw his look tighten, "I called them explained what was going on and they wanted to see you". "I won't be leaving here any time soon and they are in holiday season so they can come over for a few days". "Let this sink into you and be at your best behavior for them". "I will" he replied. I saw he was getting scared at the thought of seeing his sisters. "Son" I said "you know they love you right, they always will". "I know" he said. "But I'm disappointing them I'm not a suite role model". "Please get some rest your friends will be there in five hours so get some sleep my son". "Oh and before you go to sleep you have another person to apologize to".

**Paul's POV:  
**I had no idea who my father was talking about till she came in, it was the nurse who was in the room while I tried to commit suicide. "Thank you for saving me" I said to her, "sorry I let you witness that". "It's ok" she replied "you know there's a reason you're here your broken and we are going to fix you". "Please get some sleep now sir", "thank you I will". When she went out the same male nurse as before came into the room and sat down at a chair. I looked at him, "just in case sir" he said. I nodded, "I guess make yourself at home then" I said while I handed him the chocolate Nina gave me. "No thanks sir" he said "well I'll leave it there maybe later" I replied. "Sleep well" the nurse said, "thank you" I replied.

I woke up a few hours later when Ian came into the room, he told the nurse he could go and that he would take it from here. "Hey did you sleep" I asked Ian, "yes I did" he answered. I sat up in my bed, I felt a bit down again and had a terrible headache. I grabbed my head when a pain strike shoot in. I tried to be subtitle so Ian wouldn't notice. But he did "alright Champ" he said "I will get the doctor so he can check on you real quick".

"Thanks" I sighed. The doctor came in while Ian was still in the room. "So Paul what is it" he asked "I'm ok" I said "I have a headache and feeling a bit down but no suicide thoughts so just fine". "Paul please lay down for a bit I will check you real quick". The doctor shined a light through my eyes and pressed with his hands on my head, then he went down to my chest, he listen to my heart with a stethoscope and checked my pulse on my wrist. Afterwards he measured my blood pressure. "Ok I can give you something for your headache but I rather give you nothing, because you're still a bit in detox". "Ok" I sighed, "than we go without".

"Doc" "yeah Paul" "can I…." I stopped I wasn't sure if I could ask for it and I didn't know if I wanted to because Ian was there. "I know what you want Paul but I'm not going to let you go easy with it, so you have to ask for it". "Ok I sighed can I have the knife". "Yes you can but you know the drill I will stay in the room", "so will I" Ian replied.

The doctor went away to get the knife, I was shaking I didn't want Ian to be there but I knew I couldn't talk it out of his head, and they meant for me to feel this way. "Ian" I said almost crying "will you please give me a hug". "Hey easy" he said "of course buddy", Ian gave me a hug and caressed my back "it's going to be ok". "I won't judge you, I know you need it, I just want to be there for you ok bud". "Yeah" I said almost weeping.

The doctor came back and saw I had a hard time he gave me the knife "ok I'm going to leave this room he said, only horizontal , maximum five cuts and not in the wrist area". "Ian let him do it you will see if he does something wrong". "Paul when you're finished you give the knife to Ian and he will bring it back to me". "This is a big trust thing Paul don't make me regret it". "Alright doc" I said "you won't regret it".

"You ready" I heard Ian say "yes" I said, I sat up on my bed and Ian came sitting next to me he handed me the knife. I took it still shaking and looking/feeling as I was about to cry. "It's going to be ok buddy, easy it's ok I'll promise you". "Ok there we go", I started cutting my arm and and sensational feeling was there when the blood came dripping on my arm.

I totally forgot Ian was there I could close myself off. I did four other cut's and was about to cut again when I was snapped back in the real world because Ian carefully took the knife from me. "Well someone is back in reality" he smirked. "What, why" I said confused, "the doc said five cuts max remember" he said "ok" I nodded. "You feel better" he asked "yes I do" I smirked at him "then you goof get cleaned up, I'll bring the doc the knife". "The gang will be there in a minute". "Ok" I sighed, "hey Ian thanks" I said when he did exit the room.

I cleaned my arms with a wet towel and put a bandage on my left arm where the wounds were still bleeding a bit but everything better than my friends seeing my bleeding arms. I was feeling better because of the cutting, and no matter what I promised myself that I wouldn't break in front of the others. I would act nicely, and happy. I could break afterwards if necessary.


	9. Chapter 9

**FREAKING******

Ian's POV:  
I gave the doctor the knife back, I told him it went well but it seemed Paul was in his own world I had to stop him after five cuts but he gave in without a fight or pouting. "He seems to be doing a lot better right now" I said, "yes at this points he's actually feeling better but that will fade" the doctor said. "Thereby I think he's keeping himself big for your friends that are coming tonight". "But I think afterwards he will have a rough time". "He's taking steps but it are baby steps". "It will take a while before he can go in the rehab program". " He's really trying, it will go up but it will also go down".

When I came back into the room Paul was cleaning his cutting wounds. "Would you please bandage them for me" he asked, "I don't want everyone else to see the open wounds". "I will do that for you" I said. "Paul" I said to him, "no matter what, you know I love you right". "You can talk to me whenever you want we'll get through this". "Whatever is on your mind you can say to me. "I'm scared" he said, "how are my friends going to judge me", "you know Paul they care about you they are scared for you". "They love you and want the best for you". "Ok" he said.

"My sisters are coming the day after tomorrow, my little sisters can't see me like this I have to protect them from this" he said. "I know bud so we are going to work on it". "But right now we are going to have some fun with the gang". There was a knock on the door. I looked at Paul "here we go" I said. "Come in" I yelled.

******Paul's POV:  
**I breathed deep in and out and Ian patted my back and slipped a hand through my hear "it's going to be ok buddy". I nodded, lying down on my bed pillow against the headboard on which my head rested. The door went open and their came Nina, Kevin, Julie, Matt, Joseph and Candice. "Hey Paul" they said. It wasn't weird to see Nina because she already saw me in this state, Julie and Kevin already seen me addicted on set. But it was strange to see the others the last time I saw them they didn't know anything about his shit.

"Hey" I said, Nina gave me a kiss so did Julie and Candice, the boys gave me a quick hug, Joseph hugged me way to tight I almost gasped catching my breath. Ian took Joseph a side "careful" he whispered thinking I couldn't hear him "he's very fragile". I saw Joseph nodding at Ian, he understood. It felt nice how protective Ian was over me, he really loved me he proved that much the last few days I was happy I had him here by my side. Although I also saw that it was taking a toll on him. I would tell when the evening was over that he needed sleep badly and he had to go home.

I talked with my co stars and the producers and we had a lot of fun I actually felt really good tonight. The doctor came in at 9.30 pm and gave me a quick check up he said the clan had to leave at 10 pm cause I needed my rest a maximum of two people could stay. The cast went home Ian and Nina stayed with me but I told them to go home. I said "Ian you need sleep desperately I will still be here tomorrow or the day after tomorrow". "It is going to be ok I promise", "but I don't want to leave you alone" he said to me. "I won't be alone I have some grumpy old nurse staying with me" I joked.

"I'll stay" Nina said "you go to sleep Ian". "You sure" he asked both of us, "yeah were sure you need to sleep". "I can sleep in the other bed" Nina said "there is a nurse so he or she can keep an eye on him and I will there for moral support right hun" she said to me. "Thank you Neens" I said, "you guys are way too good for me I owe you guys big time". "Ok" Ian said "your father will be here at 10 am I'll be back tomorrow in the afternoon/evening". Ok Ian gave Nina a hug and kissed his girlfriend for a few solid seconds "love you" he whispered to her. "Ian" I said while I pulled my lips and made smooching sounds, "come here you dork, love you too" he said while he gave me a hug and kissed me on my head, I didn't expect that but it felt alright.

He smiled at us and went outside. When he went outside the doctor came back in together with a nurse. "I understand Nina you are going to sleep here I can put a bed up so you both can sleep and then I get a nurse to stay with you". "Can I before speak too you outside miss Dobrev for a minute", "ok I'll be back soon Paul" she said to me.

**Nina's POV:  
**The doctor wanted to speak with me outside, I wondered why. When I was out of the room the doctor started to update Paul's situation "he feels really good now but there's a big possibility that he has a set back tonight". "Or tomorrow so he might need you tonight". "He can't help it but he will have rough times ahead". "Tomorrow evening his little sisters arrive they will stay for three days I will keep him in bed till that time afterwards we go do more things like walking go outside if he takes that well and doesn't need to cut anymore he's ready for rehab".

"So he will stay here for a very long time" I asked "my prognoses at this point is at least four months probably more so if at some point you can't take it say it you can always talk just don't say it to Paul we will give you support but at this point please stay strong" the doctor said. "I will I understand but for now I just want to be there for my friend and give him support". **  
**  
I came back in the room Paul lay already flat and there was a bed next to his. "I'll go fresh up and then we should go to sleep" I told Paul. "Ok" he said. "Nina" he said when I came from the bathroom, "thank you so much for doing this for me". "I really do love you for that" he started to cry lightly. "Hey, hey Paulie its ok" I said using the nickname I only mentioned to him when we were alone . I hopped on his bed and dried his tears with my hands. I saw how vulnerable he was and looked at the nurse he asked if he had to call the doctor. "I don't know" I said, "Paul what do you think, do you need the doctor to talk".

"No I just want to talk to you" he said "and you have to sleep for a bit you're exhausted" . "Ok" I said while I wrapped my arms around him and caressed his hair. "I'm scared" he said, "I 'm scared for when my sister are here they can't see me like this they're way too young". "I have to get better I have to get out of this bed" he rallied on . "I have to get the drugs out of my system I have to sweat it out I have to run". "Yeah I will just get up I will do that". "Get the doctor" I said "he needs to calm down". "No Nina I don't need to calm down" he said frantically "I just have to walk and get it out". He started to move and wanted to go out of bed when the nurse stopped him and the doctor came in.

"Paul, Paul easy" the three of us said, "you're getting a bit too much Paul" the doctor said. "You're not ready to be out of the bed and walking trust me on this one". "Now I want you to settle down and remain in your bed if not I have to sedate or restrain you, do you understand me". "Yeah" he replied still crying. "I understand" he shivered he let himself fall back onto the bed "alright". "Nina" the doctor said "would you please wait outside for a minute it won't be long I have to speak with Paul afterwards you can go to sleep", "alright" I said, I left the room after and gave Paul a kiss on his forehead.

**Paul's POV  
**I was really messed up in my head I freaked a few minutes ago but now I was calm. I didn't know what had gotten in me. "I'm scared doc" I whispered when Nina and the nurse left the room. "I don't know what is happening to me". " I just freaked but there was no reason for that whatsoever and now I'm calm again". "I'm only panicking because I don't know what is going on". "Paul" the doctor said. "Listen to me for the past six months or so you've been in a depression also were/are heavily addicted to heroin for four months and are self harming yourself for two months". "There by you haven't eaten properly for the past time and had a lot of work" .

"You abruptly stopped taking the drugs and the self mutilation has minored very much". "You have also nothing to do all day and are not busy". "It's not weird that your mind is playing tricks on you". "It's completely normal so don't worry about it we will talk in the morning and now you can go to sleep I send miss Dobrev and the nurse back in". "Thank you doc" I answered "it's alright Paul" the doctor said. He patted my shoulder with compassion and left the room to let the others back in.

"I'm sorry Neens" I said "I don't know what happened to me" I said when Nina came in. "It's alright Paulie" she said while kissing me sweet on my lips and forehead. "We can go to sleep" I said, "you need it" I smirked. "Paul" I heard Nina say "if there is something going on tonight please wake me alright". "I will" I said knowing this was a lie I would not bother her with my shit again.


	10. Chapter 10

**DID I JUST SPILL MY DEEPEST, DARKEST SECRET?  
**  
**Paul's POV:**  
The next morning Nina was there together with Ian and my dad. I woke up finding to be restrained. They were all looking at me with a worried face. "Why am I restrained" I asked panicking. "Well Paul" the doctor came in "you had a very restless night, you were sleeping and screaming talking in your sleep, but we couldn't wake you up so we restrained you just to be safe". "What was I screaming about then" I asked. "I'll quote you" Nina said "afterwards you can explain cause we have no clue, what you were talking about"._ "You can't do this you can't take my kid away why would you do that I will be better I promise just come back please, I need you". "Please don't do this to me, don't do this to yourself don't do this to the kid". __  
_  
My eyes went big and I started to cry heavily they were going to find out my secret, they were going to find out. And I relived it all over again I had pushed it to the back of my mind almost forgot about it but, it was back a big boom. I cried my eyes out thinking back the baby had to be borne by now probably be almost two months old. How was it that my life became more screwed up by the day. I cried and cried and couldn't talk they all tried to calm me down but didn't succeed. "Would you please leave me alone for a second" I managed to get out "please leave I will answer all your questions later, just not right now". They left the room quiet the doctor stayed with me but didn't say anything he just let me cry. I was angry but most of all I was scared and sad. I kept on crying for what looked like an hour.

"Paul" the doctor stated "are you calmed enough to talk to your family and friends now?". "Yes I am", "I will stay in the room" the doctor stated "so you only have to tell this one's alright". I nodded.  
The others came back in and sat down on my bed, I couldn't take it I curled myself up in my father's chest and started to sob again. "Shh" he whispered in my ear while caressing my back and head. "Just tell us what this is". "It clearly upsets you it's better when you get it off your chest". "It's ok I will love you no matter what you know that".

"Alright there's one thing I haven't told anyone, and it's probably the thing that as off this moment hurts me the most". "I tried everything but I just couldn't contact her anymore so I gave up I tried to drive it out of my thoughts by all the stuff I was doing and I'm really ashamed but the last couple of days I kind of didn't think about of kind off I forgot it but obviously I process it when I sleep". "I have to find her I have to". "Paul" Ian said "you're not making sense at this point start with the beginning of the story alright". "We'll listen to you alright" he said while he rubbed my back.

"Alright she left me because I was an complete ass I snapped a lot I didn't even know why". "And one night I was drunk and I apparently hit her, I freaking hit her I couldn't remember doing it but I found her the next day packing her bags". "I asked why she was leaving". "Because I don't want to live with an depressed alcoholic boyfriend who hits me and won't seek for help" "that was her answered". "I became upset and told her I would never hurt her but she stated with her point". "So I guess I probably would have hit her". "And it's just terrible". "So I yelled that she had to go than we were both upset and I snapped again I threatened her so she just fled". "I haven't seen her since".

"But a week after she left she called me and said that she was pregnant and that of course I was the father" . "She thought I had a right to know". "She addressed that she really loved me but I had to get better and that she couldn't go back". "I don't need anything from you Paul she said to me I'll raise this kid myself and give it all the love it needs". "So she hung up and I tried to contact her with phone, mail, everything but I never heard from her again".

I started to cry again like crazy and slapped my head against the headboard they all flew in immediately to hold my head and lay me down. "Ok restrain" I heard the doctor say, "no I'll behave" I sighed but he just said "for your own good Paul". I sobbed and cried while I lay in my father's arms he was crying too, so were Nina and Ian they all hugged, caressed and comforted me. "Paul" Ian asked, "_Why___**_do you always insist on taking the hard road?" I replied, "Why do you assume I see two roads"._**_  
_"Why did I hit her" I cried out "if I hadn't she would still be here, I wouldn't be here and I had a little baby by now I just want her back" . "I want her and I want my kid", I cried out hysterically.

******Ian's POV:  
**Damn he hid that from us. It had to be so hard for him, losing his mother, his girlfriend his unborn child that all in a month time. No wonder he's like this now. I have to contact Amber, she might have seen the news. I have her phone number maybe she uses it still and just doesn't take calls from Paul or anonymous. I am going to call with my cell phone maybe she picks up who knows. But maybe Nina can call they were pretty close I'll ask her. "Nina" I whispered when Paul finally drifted to sleep in his father's arms. "Can I speak with you". "Yeah sure" she said.

**Nina's POV:  
**Ian explained his planning to me I should call or else mail Amber and hoping for an reaction I would invite her for coffee wherever she was if she wanted to and talk about Paul.  
I started to call and to all of our surprise Amber picked up the phone. "Nina how is he" she asked. "Hi Amber" I recalled "he's a mess a total mess". "He's admitted to a hospital and were getting him the help he needs". "Is there a possibility that you and I can talk in private, name the place wherever in the world you are I will come to you". "Actually I'm really close to Atlanta I never went far" she said. "Shall we say noon at Joe's". "Alright" I said "is it okay for me to bring Ian". "Yes it is" she replied.

******Ian's POV:  
**"Well that was easy" I said while looking at Nina, " I don't know about that but it's a good start". "We probably shouldn't tell Paul yet, I won't get his hopes up for nothing" I said. "Ok let's go". I went to Paul's room where his father was still lying on his sons bed who lay sleeping in his arms. I obviously couldn't speak in case Paul woke up so I texted him. He nodded and we went to the café.

We sat there for a few minutes and then Amber came in, she obviously wasn't pregnant anymore so she probably had the baby by now. "Hey" I said while me and Nina gave her a tight hug.  
Nina and I had worked out a complete strategy how to talk with her.

"How is he" she asked. "He's a complete mess" we answered, "I saw the show news there are all rumors going around that he's death". "What we haven't noticed anything about rumors but TVD stated a statement that he was not death and that there would be a statement in a few days or weeks with what was going on".

"Ok first we will tell that this morning he fest up why you left him and some other stuff he hid from us all along". "So he told us he hit you and that he was not good for you, that he threatened you and that he was so terrible sorry for it". "He also told us you were pregnant when you left". "Yes" she said "what he told you was the truth but before I start to open up I want to know what happened the last eight months".

"Well" Ian started "he has been and still is in a depression but he already was when you left". "A few weeks afterwards his mother died". "Then he started to do drugs heroin to be precisely he started to neglect himself and couldn't eat". "Due to the heroin he collapsed on set a few months back and was brought to the hospital". "Afterwards we thought he was doing better he put on weight and smiled more". "But he had something to fled from the pain he had started to Self mutilate". "He has cut marks all over his arms and stomach". "He fest up about everything a week ago he was brought to a rehab centre and tried to commit suicide there but didn't succeed he was brought to the main hospital there and remains there still under 24 hour suicide watch".

"But that part is doing better although he has some freak moments every now and then". "That's when we found out about the pregnancy, he was talking and screaming in his sleep about how you couldn't take his kid away and that he was sorry". "So we left after he fest up and last saw him as a complete mess". "He can't really think clear now he knows everything but is in a dark place with mood swings he is in detox and still cuts". "His whole recovery process at this point is four months but probably it's going to take a lot more time".

Amber burst out in tears "o god what have I done, I thought it was better for him to leave to be honest I was afraid of him I drove him insane" she cried. "Hey" I hushed, "you were scared totally understandable you had to look out for yourself and for your child". "You're not the only reason he's in there we are all guilty for letting this come this far".

"Can I meet him" she asked, "well not right now his sisters are coming tomorrow so he has to be strong for them but maybe in three days time if you still want to". "Think about it, would you please give us your address so we can keep in touch" I asked.

"So" Nina asked "what about the baby". Amber got a picture it was a small baby around two months old in a white sleeping suit. "Boy or Girl" I asked, "Boy" she answered, "he has Paul's eyes" I noticed. "What's his name" Nina asked. "Ryan Thomas" she answered. "Wait you named him after Paul" I asked. She nodded. "You can give the picture to him". "We'll meet here in three days" I asked "than we can visit him" alright I asked. "He misses you" I added. "He beats himself up for what he did to you". "Alright I promise I'll be here" she said.


	11. Chapter 11

**FAMILY**

**Paul's fathers POV:  
**I was sitting at Paul's bed he was slowly eating. Ian and Nina came into the room, "hey bud" Ian said  
"how are you feeling" he asked smiling at Paul. "I don't know" Paul sighed "ok bud finish your food" I said. Ian asked if I could step out of the room with him, I agreed. Nina took my place on Paul's bed and began to feed him the food. "I'm like a four year old" he muttered "yeah but a really cute one" Nina joked.

"What is It" I said when I was in the hall with Ian. "We found her" Ian said, "we made arrangements that she would come after your daughters left because else it would be too much". "She was really worried about him". "And she gave us this", Ian gave me a photo of a super cute baby. "What" I said, "this is your grandson Ryan Thomas". "O my god" I sighed " he's beautiful and she named him after him" "yeah she did" Ian replied. "He has his eyes" I said. "What are we going to do" Ian stated "we are going to show it to him or wait till she comes, there still is a slight change she stands us up". "We better ask the doctor, what to do" I replied.

The doctor came and told us that we could show the picture to him and tell that she was thinking about coming but not right know we don't have to get him too much hope. But a little is good.

**Paul's POV:  
**My father, Ian and the doctor came all in the room while Nina was already there. "So Paul" the doctor said, "Ian and Nina did some digging". "And they found Amber". "You did" my eyes shot up. "Easy bud" Ian said "we talked to her and she's very concerned for you and misses you but isn't completely sure if she wants to visit you". "So don't get your hopes up to high right now but we had a start we meet again in three days and then she will decide alright".

"But she got you this" he continued, he gave me a picture of a tiny baby. "Paul meet your son Ryan Thomas". I looked at the picture and saw the cutest kid I ever saw, "he is cute right" I smirked. I had something of my son I knew he was alive and that everything went well. "How old is he" I asked "two months" Nina replied. "And she named him after you" my father said. I had tears in my eyes and they fell down to my cheeks but this were happy tears. **  
**  
Even if she didn't want to see me again I now at least at this moment know that she is safe and I have a picture of my son. I'm really happy right now. You have no idea I thought. "So Paul" my father said, "we have to talk about something" . "Yeah sure" I said. "We'll leave you two too it" Ian said "no wait" my father said "I want you to hear it so you can check too". "Ok" I said. "Well Paul you know we love you all but you have to be more honest with us". "So if there's anything else you want to confess or say I want to hear it now anything you can tell us you know". "Let me think I'm not sure maybe I come up with something but to be quite honest I don't know right now".

"When I was sixteen remember the broken car when I said someone drove into it while we were waiting, it wasn't true I Hijacked it and crashed it". "Yeah Paul I knew that", he said "how I never told you". "Yes but you told me a story that couldn't be true so I knew immediately, that you did something else with it". "And son I was not talking about that I was talking about the last couple months".

**Paul's fathers POV:  
**It was the day after Paul had heard something about his son and today my daughters came visiting him. I went to the hotel first with them. They were pretty upset over what was going on with their big brother. "Ok girls Paul doesn't look so good but please don't be scared cause he's really doing better and better". "I have to tell you something else and it's probably better if you hear it this moment from me".

"Last week your brother tried to commit suicide". "What.." they cried out. "He was really confused and the drugs were still in his system". "But he was so weak that It wasn't a really serious attempt but for him it was serious". "But please don't talk about it with him only if he brings it up himself". "Well but there's also some good news but I'll let him tell you". "We'll go now he probably is still sleeping but that gives you time to process some things on forehand".

I had a talk with Paul before I picked up my daughters he promised he would behave.  
We came at the hospital were Ian sat next to Paul's bed who was indeed sleeping. I was relieved they had covered Paul's scarred arms up with bandages. Ian silently left the room and wished us luck. He was sleeping for two hours already so he would wake up soon.

**Paul's POV:  
**When I woke up after my quick nap I was looking at two beautiful green eyes "Maggie" I laughed and next to her sat my other sister Sarah. "Hey Paul" they smiled at me. "Come here guys give me a hug" I said. I hugged my little sisters trying not to let my emotions flow. "Hey there are my girls, I missed you guys come sit here" I padded on my bed. I saw how worried they looked, and little Sarah almost started to cry. "Hey, hey I'm going to be ok, I'll promise you I will be fine." "Why are there bandage around your arms" Maggie asked.

I looked to my father, "dad" I said "can I" . "You can tell them" he said to me. "Alright girls as you know I started to use drugs a while back and it did really hurt me to take it but more not to take it so I didn't stop". "But I was really sad that's called a depression and to feel better I started make cuts in my arms to relieve my physical pain". "And did that help" Maggie asked "yes it helps" I said to her. "Can we see it" Sarah asked. "Dad" I looked at his side "show them but girls it isn't pretty". "You can turn away if you don't want to look ok" I said to them.

I started to get the bandage off and they gasped when they saw my arms. Sarah was holding back her tears again. "Sarah" I said "you can cry if you want, I cried a lot these last few days it's ok". "I don't want you to act tough for me ok". We talked and laughed for a lot after that.

"So guys" I said "you remember Amber right" I asked them, "yeah we kind of liked her but she left you". "She did but it was my own fault I wasn't nice to her anymore because I was already sick back then". "So I have to tell you something". "When Amber left me she was pregnant I didn't know then but she called me a few weeks after". "But I've never seen her again so I'm a father".

"Nina and Ian found her and they gave me this". I showed them the picture. The girls were flabbergasted "well meet your nephew Ryan Thomas". "You have a kid", "I'll hope I'll meet him one day" I said to them "but for now I'm happy that I know he's healthy and that I have a picture". "Maybe Amber will visit in a couple of days and I'll get a change to meet my son". "We hope so" they both said.

"Alright" my father said "Paul needs to rest now we come back tonight before you go back". "Alright see you later" they said, while they gave me a quick kiss. "Love you girls you know that right". "We know Paul" they said. "We love you too".

Later that night I was happy the girls came back but afterwards they had to catch a flight. "Dad" I said "when are you going back, they need you". "They indeed need me but for now they are fine they are having a blast at Rachel's and they only want you healthy". "So I'm going to stay a bit longer till you really doing better", "alright my boy", "thanks daddy" I said.


	12. Chapter 12

**AMBER******

Ian's POV:  
Nina and I went to the café again I was so relieved when I saw Amber already sitting there. "Hi guys" she said. "Hey Amber" we said. "We wanted to thank you so much, we told him we found you he misses you and is glad you're doing ok". "He loves the picture of Ryan and keeps staring at it". "I really want to see him", Amber said instantly.

"We will let you see him" I said "but I have to tell you". "If you see him I want you to be sure you want to help him". "He has a right to see his son". "I won't say you have to start a relation again and that he has to see his son every day". "But Amber if you come with us and let him back in your life again you can't bail on him". "Certainly not now, I don't think he will survive that". "So I would really like you to come but only if you're absolutely sure, that you will not leave him during his recovery and give him a change to let him get a connection with his son, of course when you think he's ready for that". "Else you better not get in contact with him".

"I know" she said "but you have no idea how much I missed him how much I need him". "I always wanted to go back but didn't dare". "I thought he probably moved on and didn't want to see me". "But then I saw all the news flashes and almost had a heart attack". "So I was so glad when you guys called". "I'll come with you". "Alright I'm glad about that and please remember you decide when he's ready to see his son alright". "Alright" she said.

"Ok" I said while we entered the clinic, "he can be very emotional, but he might keep strong". "Tell him your feelings and say that it's ok for him to show his feelings too". "But wait here for a sec I will go get Paul's father first so the two of you can talk" .

**Amber's POV:  
**I was afraid to meet Paul's father, I didn't go to his wives funeral and I was practically the reason his son was in here I was terrified. He met me and hugged me tightly. "I'm so glad you're here" he said. "He needs you so much". "Please be gentle on him". I walked into the room behind him, Paul was sleeping he looked very thin and pale and had bandages over his arms there was also dried blood on them. "Ok" Paul's father said "let him just wake up slowly". I sat beside his bed while I saw the male nurse still in there, I sighed it was probably good that he was there. "You can wake him up" the doctor said to me and came sitting next to me.

I slowly started to touch his head and stroked his hair. I saw and felt him stir underneath my touch. Alright I thought moment of truth. He opened his eyes slowly and saw me sitting there, I gave him a little smile, before I knew it I felt him pull me into a hug, he started to cry "I'm so glad you're here you have no idea how terrible sorry I am for what I did to you" he whispered still crying. "Shh, hush" I said "it's ok baby I'm so terrible sorry too".

He pulled out of the hug and that was when I first really saw him, he looked terrible, very thin and almost blue. His arms were bandaged and there was blood on the bandages. "Alright" the doctor said "the two of you really need to talk". "Is it ok that I'll help you with that". "I am ok with it" Paul said "but if you want to do it alone with me we also can" he said to me. "We'll let him help" I said. "Ok" the doctor said "small steps first I want you Paul to fill Amber in about everything that happened to you in the last few weeks".

"Alright" he sighted "are you ready for that" he asked. "Yes" I said "I want you to tell me everything I won't judge you". I saw he had a really difficult time there and gently took his hand. I looked him in the eyes and said "do tell". "When my mum was diagnosed with cancer I felt like the world fell down on me, I was in a busy period with TVD and I started to have trouble sleeping as you already knew". "I was really down all the time and I treated you like shit even though you gave me all the support in the world". "I honestly have no idea how you held up with me for that long".

"And then I hit you, I freaking hit you who does something like that". "Hit the one you truly love". The doctor interrupted, "Paul let your feelings go let it go it's alright don't keep it inside". He looked at the doctor and looked at me. I nodded "it's ok Paul" I said. He then let his tears flow. "Continue" the doctor said. "I was really angry when you were packing your bags and I really wouldn't believe you when you said I hit you I thought it was a weak excuse to get out". "So I was harsh to you". "Can I ask you something" I asked him "sure" he said, "do you remember the night you hit me". "No" he said, but the doctor said "he knows he did it he said that you wouldn't make something like that up but in the moment and the weeks following he wasn't ready to see that yet, he's blaming himself big time for that".

"You see I diagnosed Paul with an severe form of depression he was really sick right then, physically but to be honest also mentally". "But Paul himself still has trouble coming to that, he feels like he had to be in control over his body and his emotions". "He has to admit that he's sick and has a problem before he can get further in his treatment process". "He has admitted he has a problem for his drug abuse and asked for help, so we are very proud of him for that". "But what I really hate" Paul said "is that you offered me help you really did offer me help: therapy, talk groups I didn't want it then I just didn't". "And then you were leaving, I was at first angry at you but then I was really scared and sad". "Especially after you called me and said you were pregnant". "I tried to contact you like crazy but after a month I gave up I thought it was probably better that I wasn't in the kid's life". "I was already screwed up and knew I would screw up much more for sure". He started to cry harder, I took him in a hug "shh" I said "I'm terribly sorry too I shouldn't have left you". "It's not your fault" he said "never think that again, I was the one who pushed you away you did everything for me and I truly understand you couldn't take it anymore".

"Alright" the doctor said "continue Paul tell her about the drugs". "So" he said "after mom died I was hurting I wanted the pain to stop, when I came in contact with some of my old junkie pals, he hooked me up with some heroine and I shoot it up". "I felt so awesome it felt great, I was numb". "I continued to use and had to use more and more to be satisfied, but it had a huge downside I was getting trouble eating and my throat began to hurt I tried to stop but it was already too late I was hurting when I shoot heroin but even more if I didn't ". "It wasn't pleasure anymore but if I didn't do it I felt worse so I continued".

"Then people started to notice some symptoms but they never mentioned drugs". "I was still very depressed and they threw it on that pile". "One day I ended up in the hospital cause I collapsed they found traces of drugs in my blood but I knew to convince them it was from a party and I said I was terrible sorry It wouldn't happen again". "Well I started to cut then to ease the pain and it was working". "I felt relieved when I did cut it is the one thing I have control over right now".

"I'm so sorry Paul that you felt so bad the past year and that you had to go through so much". "I know a huge part of that is my fault". "No" he interrupted me "you have nothing to blame, it was all me I made your live a living hell". "You have nothing to blame on yourself". "Please don't" he said. "Paul" the doctor said "you made your point ok don't come back to it every time". "Ok" he said. "Paul" I told him, "I'm very proud of you, I'm proud that you got help and I'm certain you are going to fight your way out of it". "You are going to be ok Paul". "You have to do it for your son". He looked me in the eyes. I thought yeah we hadn't discussed that topic yet. "He needs a father Paul I know I was cruel to you by saying I would do it alone". "But the truth is that boy needs his father but only when you are better and get yourself back on track, only then you can take a role in his life".

"How is Ryan doing", he asked me. "He's doing really well", "how old is he?" "almost two months" I said. "Did everything went well?" he asked me. "Yes all went ok" I told him "no need to worry". "I like the name" he said "we had that name on our top 10 list, we were trying for a kid before I was sick" he said. "Yes we were" I said "I was doubting I had two names but I couldn't choose till I saw him". "What was the other name" he asked "Liam" I answered , "well that's a nice name too". "But Ryan Thomas has a better ring" I said. "It does" he said.

"So am I ever going to be able to see him" he asked me. "I rather know now so I won't get my hopes up". "Paul I can't promise you can see your son that's all on you at this moment". "If you fight to get better and will get a lot better you can of course see your son even be part of his life" . "But that is when you are better". "The most important thing for me is that you fight for it give it your best shot". "Then I'm happy to show you your son". "So get better is it not for yourself then for the other people in your live that need you, like your son".

"Ok guys" the doctor said "Paul needs his rest now and has some examinations later today I think it's time that you say goodbye and make plans for other times". "Can I give you a hug" he asked, "sure" I said "come here". I hugged him, tight and kissed him on his fore head. "Fight for it baby" I said. "I'll fight for it" he promised, "I believe you" I said. "Will you come back and visit me" he asked. "Sure I will" I said "whenever you want to ok". He nodded "I like that" he said. "Ok then I will come back how about the day after tomorrow" "Sounds good" he replied. I gave him one last kiss on his forehead and left the room.  
**  
**


	13. Chapter 13

**THERE'S A ROAD CALLED RECOVERY AND WE ARE ON IT**

**Paul's POV:  
**I was so happy she had been there and I was certain now to get better, I wanted to be in my son's life. I had a new goal the most important goal in my life. I was happy it went really well. The doctor and I talked about what happened today. It felt good to talk about it. I told the doctor I wanted to start with my recovery right now at this moment. "I have to get better" I said. "Well" the doctor said "if you like I would talk to you about what I think is best to do now and your recovery plan in the future?". "You are really happy and motivated right now and I don't want to discourage you but you probably will have a lot of setbacks throughout your discovery".

"You have a long way ahead of you I don't want you to forget that". "Yeah I know" I said "but I have the biggest motivation I ever had in my life, my son". "Then I'm glad of that" the doctor said. "But the first step we got to take is to get you up and out of bed". "But not right now it's already evening and you need all your strength for that". "It won't be easy though, you haven't walked in over a week and your body is weak from all the medication and the lack of exercise". "I would like for you to go sleep after you talked with Ian and your father then tomorrow we are going to try first sitting in a wheelchair and maybe go out and after a nap we go walking". "Alright doctor" I said "sounds good".

**Ian's POV:  
**The doctor had talked to us about all the things that happened today and that Paul was ready to start his recovery process, although he was really happy now he had a long road ahead of himself. We would take him out of the room tomorrow and walk with the doctor and a wheelchair through the building and would go maybe outside for a while. Afterwards he would take a nap and we would try to get him on his feet.

The doctor warned us that, that would going to be very hard because he was almost certain Paul would have a lot of trouble walking and standing due to the lack of it the last week. I went to his room with his father and Nina, we sat and chatted with him about the meeting with Amber and I saw he was really happy. He decided it was time for him to sleep. And for the first time since he was admitted we left him alone, not me nor Nina nor his father stayed overnight but there would still be a nurse present for the suicide watch. But he made us go home and go to bed. We obeyed him and hoped he had a good night sleep.

**Paul's POV:  
**I had a great night sleep and was exited to go out and about, I had been cooked up in this room for much too long now. I was eating breakfast when my father and Ian came into the room. "Hey" I said "sleep well" they asked "perfect" I said. The doctor came in "alright Paul ready to dress to impress". "Yeah" I said jokingly, "alright you're cooked up in these clothes for a few days now, someone has to help you dress I don't want you to stand on your feet yet". "Ian can you help him" my dad asked "I have to talk with the doctor for a minute". Ian picked some trainers and t shirt with a grey black hoodie.

"Alright big guy can you move yourself so you get away from the bed board" he asked. I shifted and sat straight on my bed without support in my back that was for the first time in about a week and it was already hard for me to sit straight. "Ian" I asked "can you hold me up please I don't know how long I will be able to sit like this". I already felt a bit down but tried to think about happier things. I knew this would possibly happen the doctor warned me for it. When I was fully dressed Ian put me back against the headboard and I sighed in comfort when I could rest against it.

"Alright buddy" Ian said "all set", "thank you" I said I couldn't hide my disappointment. "Hey bud" Ian said, "it's ok small steps one at the time it's going to be ok I promise you". "Stay strong for yourself for your son for your family and friends". I sighed breathe in and out "your right thank you Ian" I said while I reached for a hug. He kissed my head and gave me a little swat to my head. "Ok you dork I love you too", he said making kissing sounds.

Then the doctor and my father came in with a wheelchair. "Alright Paul" the doctor said "you ready? ", "I think so" I said "but I'm not completely sure". "Hey what happened to you" the doctor asked. "He had some trouble while dressing he could not long sit up without support on his back", Ian said. "Ok well then we'll try you seated in this chair and walk a small block tell us when you had enough so we can go back immediately alright it's all under your control Paul".

"Ok" I said "now get me in that chair then". My father and Ian pulled me off the bed and seated me carefully in the chair. "Alright" I said "this sits quite comfortably", "I'm glad" the doctor said. "We can walk through the hospital if you're still alright after we can go get outside". "There are other people there so there is a possibility you get recognized". "Well at this moment I don't care I'll survive if it's not too much people".

**Ian's POV:  
**I was concerned about Paul, I saw he was on edge and was scared for his reaction going outside seeing other people and if we were unlucky paparazzi and cameras. But he put on a brave face. Immediately after we came outside there were a lot of people there. They came all ran over when they saw Paul and where asking "how are you doing mister Wesley, how is your health what's going on", his father and the doctor shielded us from them. I was glad for that but I saw the panic in Paul's eyes. And just when I thought he was going to freak out something unexpected happened.

He packed himself up again and told the doctor and his father to let the people do their thing. "Ian can you ask them to be quiet so I can talk" he asked me. "Alright" I said, I went to the people and said, "alright be quiet so Paul can talk and doesn't have to shout". The people where other patients but the most of them where paparazzi. "Guys" Paul said, "thank you for your concern". "I would like to ask you to respect my whishes which are to privately work on my recovery. I'm having a long road ahead of me".

"The situation I'm in cannot be solved in days or weeks, I have a process that contains months". "So please let me go back to getting better, thank you". "Paul" someone shouted, did you try to kill yourself. "No comment" he said after an long hesitation "TVD will release a statement later" .

"Damn my friend" I said when all the people where gone "I'm so proud of you", "yes we are indeed very proud of you" the doctor and his father said to him. "I'm going to recall a line in one of the previous TVD episodes which I'm going to repeat to you because it's true" I said to Paul. "There's a road called recovery and we are on it my friend". "Exactly" the doctor said, "not you but we". "All the people who care about you". "You made a very big step today".

"Ok" Paul said "thanks guys, but can I please go back to my bed now my body is hurting from sitting up I think I'm going to collapse if I have to sit up any longer". "Yes" the doctor said, "were going back to your room we'll get you something to eat and afterwards I order some rest". "Tomorrow we go further with sitting up". "I know I promised walking but to be honest I don't think that you are ready for that yet". "Don't see this as a setback". "I see it as a step further to prohibit a bigger setback".


	14. Chapter 14

**Surprise******

Paul's POV:  
I was kind of proud of myself, I didn't freak at the sight of the crazy fans and paparazzi. I showed the doctor and my family that I took a great step forward. Thereby I gave in to the fact that I couldn't sit up straight any longer. I couldn't deny that I wasn't a bit disappointed, but I stepped over it perfectly. I had a really nice day, my father was there Ian and Nina and to my surprise Amber came by.

"Hey sweetheart" I said when I saw her enter the room, "hey Paul" she said, "how are you doing". "To be honest I'm doing really well and feeling really great". "Yeah" Ian said, "he had a huge breakthrough today". "Well huge…." I said. "Yeah it was huge comparing all the things that happened the last few weeks" Ian recalled. "And every step forward is good". "Well then I guess you are right I had a breakthrough" I smirked.

Then Ian, Nina and my dad said "we'll leave you two too it". They left and let me talk to Amber. "So tell me about the breakthrough". "Well" I said, "if you can call it a breakthrough". "Paul" she said looking stern, "don't deny your success, the others said it was a big deal and it was a real breakthrough". "Alright" I said, "I guess I was kind of proud of myself". "You were proud of yourself, than I'm proud of you too". "So what happened". "Well I went outside my room for the first time today, I was in a wheelchair and had already trouble sitting up but went for it". "When we were outside we were plagued a lot of paparazzi and fans they screamed and I was about to freak then I got myself together and spoke to them". "I said there was a statement released and if they would please leave me alone". "And they responded". "I didn't go further out because my back was hurting". "So starting to walk again was set back but I'm just glad for this breakthrough I have to train in sitting up so I think I go sit straight while I talk to you".

**Amber's POV:**  
I was glad to see Paul again, I really did miss him and thought I started to fall for him again. But he was in no place to even think about something like that, so I was in no place to mention this to him. Though I would always be linked to him, he is after all and will always be the father of my son. I was really relieved when he told me he had a breakthrough. I was so proud when he told what he'd done today. The downside from this all was that at first he didn't see it as a breakthrough or at least didn't want to acknowledge it. That had to improve but it was really good to hear him say that he was kind of proud of himself.

We talked some more and then I showed him something that made his day, at least that is what he said. I made a short movie of Ryan this morning, I talked to him about his daddy and he was smiling and his green eyes which are identical from Paul's where big and happy. He was babbling to himself and tried to catch the camera with his cute tiny hands.

I loved the smile I saw on Paul's face it lighted up his whole face, he looked tired when I met him in his room, but after seeing his son on the video all the tiredness in his face was gone. I felt guilty, I felt terrible for leaving him nine months ago. I shouldn't deny him access to his son. "Paul" I said, "I want you to meet him, I'll bring him with me tomorrow". "If that's ok for you". I saw his eyes grow big and there came a smile on his face. "I would love to" he said. "But only if you think that it's a good time". "Paul to be honest with you you're very sick you had a good day and made progress but you are nowhere near being better". "But I can't deny you the right of seeing your son". "I want him to know who his father is". "I hope this will even push you further in recovery and that there will be a reason for you to live". "You see Paul there is a little person who depends on you, who you are responsible for". "You have to give all you have if only for this little boy who is your son". "So take everything from your power to get better". "I'm convinced you can do it". "And I know it's going to be a long road with a lot of ups and downs but I want you to know I'll be there for you just as Ian, Nina and your father are there for you".

**Paul's POV:  
**I was so happy when Amber told me she would let me meet Ryan on this short notice. It gave me a lot more of encouragement to go on with my recovery. "You have no idea what this means to me" I whispered to her. "I'm glad for that" she answered "now get your sleep work on your recovery oh and talk to that psychologist you refuse to talk with it might help you, and with talk I mean really talk". "I do whatever you want" I said happy. "By the way my dad made you say that didn't he", "yeah he did" she smirked. "Bye Paul see you tomorrow". "Bye" I said when I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

Amber left and my father came back in together with the doctor. "She's bringing Ryan tomorrow" I screamed in excitement. "Wow that is amazing" the doctor and my father answered. "How do you feel about that" the doctor asked, "well" I said "I'm really excited but also a little scared". "I don't know how he will react around me". "I don't want to disappoint him and I don't want to disappoint Amber". "I want to talk to the psychologist today if that is possible I think I have to got some things straight in my head, before I meet my boy". "Alright" the doctor said, "I'm glad Paul you want to talk, I will make an appointment for later today". "Thanks doc" I answered.

**Paul's father POV:  
**I was thrilled to be finally able to meet my grandson for the first time. Thereby Paul was finally ready to talk to the psychologist, he had visited him before but he never opened up to him. I hoped with the input of seeing his son he would recover a lot faster and be able to talk about things, other than bottling them up. I walked to my son and hugged him, "dad he said can you help me in my wheel chair I want to be able to sit up when I see my son tomorrow". "Paul" , Ian asked "is that a good idea I don't want to be critical but the doctor told you to take it easy". I saw how he breathed in and out. I thought he was going to lose it and get angry but he surprised me for the third time today by saying "ok I will ask the doctor first let's see what he says". "Ok" Ian and Nina said, "we are going home, you can call when Amber leaves we will keep you company afterwards". "Don't you want to see my son then" Paul asked, "well buddy" Ian said, "I think that is something you got to do yourself first maybe with your dad, it might be too busy for the little guy and you have to take that moment for yourself". "Ok" guys "thank you for today" he said.

I was talking and laughing with my son when the doctor came in with the psychologist. "Hello Paul, hello Mr. Wasilewski". "I am glad you want to talk with me Paul". "Yes doctor thank you for coming" Paul said. "I think it is time that I open up more to you I find it better for myself". I was so proud of my son at that instant, today was a really good day for him, he won a lot of inner battles. He also lost some but didn't let that get the better of him. "Dad, doctor can I please talk alone with him". "He can share everything with you but I need to do this on my own". "Of course my boy" I said. Oh and doc he asked can I sit in my wheelchair while I talk with the psychologist" he asked. "No Paul the doctor said, only this talk is probably going to be heavy". "I don't want you to force anything so bare with me for now, all will going to be better". "But for now, take your rest tomorrow there is another day".

**Paul's POV:  
**I really wanted to get better, today was my day. This is the day I start my recovery. I was still sad sometimes and I had like a switch. Which I had no control over. "Doc" I said "I want to get out of my depression, but you got to help me" I said. "I have no idea how I can beat this thing". "One time I'm like really happy and the other time I'm down even to the point of suicide". "What can I do doc I want to get better, for my family, for my friends but mostly for my son". "I love that boy I'm going to meet him tomorrow". "But I have to get better to be in my sons life". "I know I am the person who has to fix myself, but I don't know if I can do that on my own".

"Paul" the doctor said. "I know you want to fix yourself but you are in a process". "It's important that you keep in mind that you can't fix yourself in one day or even in one week or month". "You are looking at months or even years". "You have to get ahead of you drug addiction on you suicide thoughts on your other demons and then you can work on your depression". "Of course you are not going to do this on your own, you have your family and friends and the staff of this institution to help you with this". "But you have to accept the fact that you are really sick and that you don't get better in an instant". "And you will have achievements but you also will have relapses". "And it's not wrong to have them, I am really proud of you for having the courage to talk about this with me but Paul please understand I can't fix things for you in one day and neither can you".

"I know" I said with tears in my eyes. "I know I cannot fix this in an instance but I sometimes think why me, why am I in so much trouble". "Why happened it to me, why did I let this happen". "I know it's my own fault but I feel so helpless I can't even sit up straight for god sake". I started to become emotional. "That's alright Paul" the doctor said, "let it out". "I know you look up to the mountain right now but you are going to be able to climb that, how you are going to do that is mostly up to you". "But have faith in the fact that you will reach to the top". "You are going to be the master of your faith".

"Now I'm extremely proud of you, I'm going to call it day right now". "You get your rest and enjoy the experience of meeting your son tomorrow". "Thank you doc" I said. "Alright I am going to let your father and the doctor see the video of our talk if that is ok with you". "Yeah that's alright". After about half an hour my father and the doctor came in. They told me they were proud of me. The doctor announced that my suicide watch would almost be lifted. There would no longer be a person in my room. But I was still under 24 hour camera watch. I was glad that I got that trust and promised I wouldn't try anything. But I asked my father if he would spend the night in my room with me. I wanted him to be present when I met my son.


	15. Chapter 15

**Ryan Thomas**

**Amber's POV:**  
I didn't doubt my decision to let Paul see his son. He showed courage and will power to me in the short amount of time he was back in my life. I talked to the doctor briefly before I met Paul. He said that seeing his son would help him in his recovery. But also made me promise if I told him I would bring him, that there was no way back. If I'd bring his son into his life he has to stay there. I cannot go back afterwards. That would literally kill Paul the doctor told me.

He explained once again that Paul had a really good day today but that his recovery would take months maybe years. He would have a lot of ups but also a lot of downs. The latter also possible in relapses. He asked if I was ready for that. "Yes doctor I am ready for that". "I love this man, I always have and always will". "Although this is not the time to fix our relationship". "This is the time to fix Paul".

"Ok" the doctor said, "I'm just glad you are giving him this change". "He will be delighted and might give himself more to his recovery if he sees in person which he is fighting for". "I know he is fighting for himself, for his father and for his friends". "But the moment he had contact again and knew that his son was doing well, he started to fight most for his son". "His son is his goal". "Please don't ever take that away from him".

**Paul's POV:  
**Today was the day I would finally meet my son. Although I couldn't believe it yet. It was nine a.m. and Amber would come at eleven. It has to be clean here I thought and I have to make myself presentable. I woke my father up who was a sleep in a bed next to me. "Dad, dad, wake up". He jolted up when he heard me yell that he had to wake up. "What's wrong" he asked panicked. "Nothing's wrong dad sorry I scared you". Then the doctor came flying in. "Paul what's wrong" he asked. "Nothing's wrong" I smiled. "Why are you so worked up doc". "The people from the video chamber gave me a signal". "You made a unexpected move". "Right that's the problem" I sighed.

Although there was no one in the room anymore I still was under 24 hour camera surveillance suicide watch. "Sorry I just was thinking Amber comes in two hours and this place is a mess". "I'm a mess, look at my face I have a beginning beard I don't want that". "Can I please clean myself and this room up". "Alright Paul" the doctor said, "I'll help you with that". The doctor and my father cleaned the room. "So what would you like to wear" my father asked. I opted for some loose jeans although It wasn't the most comfortable thing it would last for a few hours. My father helped me dress when the doctor came in.

"Ok Paul I trust you with this but your father and I will both stay in the room with you while you use this". He gave me a razor a bowl with water and shaving cream. I nodded and looked at the razor it was so tempting to cut but I wouldn't jeopardize my sons visit. "Uh yes" I stuttered. I took it in my hand shaking. But couldn't shave myself I was terrified for what I could do. "Dad can you please do it" I asked "I don't trust myself with it right now". "It's too much of an association with cutting and at this moment there is nothing I would like more then to cut". "But I don't want too, at the same time so I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this myself". "Alright" the doctor said, "it's very good that you confessed that". "You know what, the last time you did cut was two days ago". "If you still feel the need after your son visited you can ask me if you are allowed to ok". "Ok doc" I nodded, I was glad my father shaved my face.

**Amber's POV:  
**"Alright big guy are you ready to see your daddy" I cooed to my beautiful baby boy. He babbled and touched my face. "Yeah shall I tell you a story about your daddy". "Your daddy is a really beautiful and nice guy". "He really loves you and needs you too". "But you know daddy is sick, he is sick and has to get better". "I can tell you know that you are the person who is going to make your daddy better". "You're only two months old and already saved a life yes you are my miracle boy". "Let's go" I said to him "let's go meet daddy I'm sure he is tired of waiting".

It was almost eleven o'clock when I arrived at the hospital I searched for the doctor first to ask if Paul was ready. "Yes" the doctor said "he has really made an effort for the two of you he made us clean his entire room and patched himself up remarkable". "How did his talk yesterday go". "Well really good if he gives you permission you can see it later". "Ok doctor thank you". "Well" the doctor said "I'm going in first and ask if he's sure he's ready". "But I know for sure you are going to make your daddy really happy, yes I know so" the doctor said while shaking Ryan's little hand.

**Paul's POV:  
**The doctor came in, "Paul are you ready Amber is here". "Yes I am ready" I said, "ok I am going to give you guys some space". "Call me when you need me ok". "Ok" I said, I couldn't wait to finally meet my son. I took a deep breath and my father patted my back, "it's going to be ok Paul". "This is a good and beautiful thing alright". "Alright" I said, while the door opened. And there stood Amber with in her arms the most beautiful baby boy I had ever seen, my son.

"Hey" I said, I couldn't keep my eyes of the little boy she was holding in her arms. "You can sit here" I said while I padded the bed. "Paul" she said "meet Ryan". "Hey Ryan" she said, "this is your daddy", Ryan left out a little wiggle, "yeah it's your daddy are you ready to say hello". I was frozen when she came sitting on the bed I couldn't do a thing except for looking at the beautiful baby boy. "He's beautiful" I whispered. "Do you want to hold him", Amber asked me." Can I", I asked when I looked at her hopeful. "Ok" my dad intervened, "then I want you to sit back against the headboard Paul". "Ok" I said, I sat back and then Amber placed my son in my arms. He was so tiny and soft. He wiggled his nose and his little hands where flying in the air. "Hey Ryan" I said, "hey my beautiful boy I love you, you know that". "You are my little boy. Daddy's really proud of you".

I played some with Ryan and even gave him his bottle. After about half an hour Ryan fell asleep in my arms. The doctor came in and he asked if Amber wanted to see the video that was made when I had my talk with the therapist last night. The doctor said it gave a good reality of my recovery and my recovery path. "Ok" she said, she gave Ryan a sweet kiss and me one on my forehead and whispered "take good care of him". "But" I started, "what do….." She smiled and walked out the door saying, "you are a father Paul, you figure out what to do, besides your father's here so if something's wrong he can help you". "I'll see you in a bit".

I was shocked she let me have the baby alone without her. He was peacefully sleeping and I stared in awe at him. "I'm going to take a picture" my dad said "this is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life". "I'm so proud of you Paul". After twenty minutes Ryan started to wiggle and woke up. "What is it little man" I asked when he started to fuss, "what is it you need". I picked him up higher, I asked my dad to pitch the bed a bit lower so I could lay him on my chest. I put him on his stomach on my chest and watched how he stopped fussing and looked at me with big eyes. He came at peace again and snuggled up to me. My dad took more pictures and I enjoyed the company of my son to the fullest.

Amber came back ten minutes after I laid Ryan on my chest. "Hey, you look adorable that way what was he up to" she asked. "He fussed a bit but when I changed position he was ok, he keeps staring at me like I'm some sort of freak". '" Yes but that's ok because I keep staring at you too don't I my boy". "Yes but I stare because you are my little miracle". "But now you mention it you are kind of a smelling miracle". "Yeah he did some poo poo didn't you big guy" Amber cooed. "I would love to change him but I can't" I smirked. "Well that time will come Paul Thomas Wasilewski" she smirked "I see you can't do that right now but you definitely will in the future". "Do you hear that buddy, daddy got off the hook, yeah" high five I said.

"You goof" Amber laughed. "Is your daddy a silly person, yes he is". She said while she picked Ryan off my chest "I'll give him back in a second". She changed him and gave me the dirty diaper "there you go Paul" she said. "Juck does that come from such a sweet tiny person" I asked. "Yup it does" she said. She was about to give him back when I said, "give him to grandpa for a sec they haven't properly met".

"Can I talk to you" I asked her. "Please dad would you give us some privacy . ". "Ok" he said "shall I put Ryan in his stroller". "No" Amber said "that's ok take him with you outside of the room you probably know how to handle a baby". "Yes I do but there might be paparazzi outside". "They are going to write stories do you want your kid in those stories Amber". "I don't care they can all know that it's Paul son we don't have to hide it right Paul". "Right" I said.  
"Ok I make a little round find the doctor and come back in about fifteen minutes is that enough for your talk", "yes I think so" I said, "thank you dad".

**Paul's father's POV:  
**I walked out of the room and there were indeed paparazzi "hey Mr. Wasilewski" they said "how are things going". "Wonderful" I answered, "and who is this little man". "This is my grandson but I won't give further comment". "So this is Paul's son" they asked "yes he is". "He has a son" the paparazzi said. I nodded. ****

Paul's POV:  
"Come here" I said to Amber while my dad left the room, "will you come lay down with me that's easier for me then sitting up". "Of course" she said while she put the bed back and snuggled up into my arms. "Thank you, I love the fact that you are back in my life and I'm so thankful that I was able to meet my son today". "Of course Paul I am so happy that I regained contact again". "I want you to know that I'm going to do everything and more I have in my power to get better". "I know that it will be a hard road with a lot of ups and downs but I feel for the first time since I had my breakdown that I am able to fight this battle and win it". "I felt that yesterday but today I am 100 percent sure". "I owe it to everyone that loves me and that I love but mostly for that little guy".

"I saw it on the video Paul you are doing really well". "I want you to work on your recovery and I will keep allowing you to see your son but I will limit it to twice a week". "Hear me out before you interrupt". "Because you have to put your full mind on the recovery". "I will come more if you like that". "I would love that" I said, "you know I love you don't you" I said. "I know and I love you too Paul". "But first your recovery and then we can think about our future and our sons future". "I just want to ask" I said, "do you think you will be able to love me again the way you used too". "Honestly I don't know Paul at this moment I know I love you very much but I can't place the love in a position". "So don't worry about that right now". "I will leave in a bit Ryan needs his nap in his own bed but I will let you say goodbye first". "But I promise you, you will see him really soon again".

**Paul's original name is Pawel Tomasz Wasilewski or Paul Thomas Wasilewski, that's why I used Thomas as middle name for Ryan. So that's the reason Ryan was named after Paul.**


	16. Chapter 16

**The Caretaker**

**Two days later:**

Paul's POV:  
I was starting to feel better it gave me such a boost seeing my son I was finally ready to fight I was really ready this time. Sitting up went better and better, I even started to talk to the psychologist more and really opened up. The suicide watch was over and I had some privacy. I wasn't cooked up in my room anymore because I could sit in a wheelchair. It was nice to go out, the downside were the paparazzi and all the people who wanted to know how I was doing.

Julie and Kevin came by the other day to talk with me about the statement they were to release.. I told them they could make the statement how they would like it. I asked to be discreet and leave my suicide attempt out of it. They could say I was depressed and had a meltdown due to drug use and state that I was recovering.

Because I was weakened out by staying in bed for a total of two and a half week, I had to learn how to walk properly again or at least I had to build it up because I became tired and had pain a lot. Thereby came that I was sedated a few times and the drugs didn't do me any good either.  
So I was eager to start with the walking. That's why the doctor took me together with my father and Ian to the therapy centre where I would meet a physical therapist. He would make a program with me. The doctor said once again that I had to do what I could but without over pushing it. He warned me and said this would probably be a disappointment for me. But it was up to me how I would be reacting on it.

I was glad Ian and my father were there. They helped me out of my chair and positioned me on the floor in between a walking statue. I had to grab the holders and the therapist let me stand there for a while. After a minute or so I couldn't take it anymore and had to sit down. We did it again and again. I stood and sat down. After an hour the therapist said that I did really well but that it was enough for today. He said we would try to walk tomorrow.

**Paul's father's POV:  
**I was proud at the accomplishments my son achieved in the past few weeks. It killed me but I really had to get back home soon. The girls would start school soon and I couldn't let them stay with Rachel and her kids forever. Although I really didn't want to leave my son here behind. I knew that he was in good hands. He trusted his doctor and Ian and Nina were here, so was Amber. Thereby there were his other friends and co workers who came visiting him often. I knew I had to talk about this with Paul but decided to talk with Ian and Nina first. With me leaving it meant a lot of weight came on their shoulders even more than they already had. I would let Ian make decisions regarding Paul's treatment because he couldn't do that for himself just yet.

We spoke after Paul's physical therapy session. "I have to get back soon" I said. "The girls start school again and I can't depend on Rachel anymore". "She needs to get to work again". "I really don't want to leave Paul, he's doing really well right now, I don't want to risk a relapse by leaving". "I spoke with the doctor" he said "I had to leave someone else in charge of Paul's decisions because he's not yet ready to make them for themselves". "Ian I would like to ask you to be that person". "I will do that" Ian said, "of course, we will be there for Paul". "Talk to him, I think he takes it well, he will be ok". "After you leave, we will make sure of that". "Thank you guys" I said "you have no idea how much that means to me".

"Paul" I said while I knocked on his door and opened it. His sleepy head came up from the pillow. "Sorry son" I said "I didn't know you were sleeping". "Doesn't matter dad" he said, "what's up".  
I came sitting on his bed and looked him in the eyes, I tried to come out of my words but failed. "You have to get back don't you" he said. I nodded. "It's ok dad, you've been here for far too long you have to get back to the girls". "I will survive this". "When do you have to leave" he asked "that's up to you" I said, "tomorrow evening or I can catch a flight in three days".

He thought for a while and said, "leave tomorrow dad, the girls need you". "I will be fine". "I know" I said, "you can always call me don't care what time it is". "Always remember that son". "And please don't do stupid things". "Please if you feel low and down, talk". "Promise me son don't try to take your life again". "I want your word else I will not leave". "If you have the feeling talk". "Please" I said almost crying. "I want you to be happy son, I want you to start fresh, drug free, depression free and pressure free". "I want you to have a life with your son but most of all I want you to be happy". "Give it your best shot but don't be disappointed if things do not go your way". "You are in a process please be patient". "I try to come by here again ASAP". "Yes daddy" he said with tears in his eyes, "I promise you I won't do it again". "I love you all too much to do it again". "Yeah" I said, "but do you love yourself?". "Because that's more important thing". "I'm working on it" he said, "it goes better day by day, I'm not there yet but it will come one day". "I love you my boy" I said while I caressed him in a hug.

**Paul's POV:  
**I was kind of sad my dad had to leave but it was better this way, he had to. My baby sisters needed him. I enjoyed the evening with him, and he would be there tomorrow when Amber and Ryan would come so he could say bye to his grandson. He told me that if I needed something Ian and Nina would always be there for me. He said he left Ian in charge of my recovery process, he would be my caretaker. I wouldn't get my right to say what's best for me back in a while. So Ian got the final say. I knew it was for the best and just enjoyed the time my father was still here. He slept in my room and we laughed and chatted.

In the morning Amber and Ryan came by again and I had lots of fun with my little guy. We went outside and sat down in the cafeteria after we got rid of all the paparazzi. We chatted and my dad enjoyed his grandson. I took this time to talk with Amber again. She said, she talked with my father and knew about his leaving. We talked and she said that she would come more often. I agreed with that. I talked about the physical therapy and that I had it in an hour, after my dad left. She said that she would love to see it and decided to go with Ian and me. Nina volunteered to keep an eye on Ryan, which she would do in my room.

But for this therapy I spend the most of my time with my father and my son. Amber made a cute picture with the three generations of Wasilewski. Which was really cute she printed them out and gave my father and myself one. When it was time for my father to leave we couldn't help it but both had to cry. We luckily did this in the privacy of my room. Ian, Nina and Amber were there to comfort me and Nina decided to wave my father off together with Ryan and some bodyguards. She had a bag with her so she had new diapers etc. When I was calmed down a bit I was ready for my exercise.  
Amber, Ian and the therapist helped me up onto my feet and the therapist told me to take small steps. I did a few when I was really tired, I sat down a few times and repeated the exercise several times. Ian talked with the therapist while Amber kept me company. "You did well" she said to me, "did I", I asked her. I couldn't fight it but I was a bit down, because my father left. I really wanted him to go back home, for my sisters. But when he was really away I missed him. I didn't think my therapy went well, I walked all together maybe ten meters, not more. I was disappointed in myself. But then I remembered what my father said. I had to talk when I felt down, not act but talk. So when Ian came back I talked with him and Amber. My doctor was also there.

I told them I was down, I didn't like how my physical therapy went. I recalled the thing my father told me. The doctor once again explained that it would be hard for me, the recovery, and that it would take time. But that I was on the good way, also because I admitted those things. Although my mood was a bit down, it was back up again the second Nina came in with Ryan. "Hey baby boy" I cooed. I had some time with my son afterwards Amber and he went away. Ian and Nina remained in my room it was now almost four pm.

**Ian's POV:  
**I wanted to talk with Paul about my authority about his recovery. The doctor spoke with me and explained that when Paul was getting stronger physically they wanted to transfer him to another level of the building. This however was a group thing. It was not just a rehab facility but it was more like a mental rehab. You could call it an asylum. But not with a lot of crazy people, but just people who needed a bit more help then rehab only. I knew on forehand he wasn't going to like this. But I would be good for him being in contact with more people. The downside was. When he was there we couldn't visit him whenever we liked. They had visiting hours and he had to deserve them.

The usual program there was about three to four months. They were specialized in depressions and they would make Paul ready also to face media, because we couldn't deny the fact that he had to get back in the public eye because of TVD. The only problem was, we all knew about this little fact, that was the mental rehab thing. The only person who didn't know that was Paul himself. And for me being his caretaker, I was the one who made the final decision to send him there. He would defiantly not be happy with me for that. But it had to be done. I decided to tell him this with the doctor present. But all talking about this, it was not that it would happen tomorrow no, we were talking about a few weeks, maybe two maybe four give or take.

"Paul" I said while I sat down with the doctor. "Remember your father assigned me as your caretaker". "Yes" he said. "Well I made a decision about your recovery process and did this in consultation with the doctor". "When you are stronger you would do some kind of rehab". "Yes" he said. "Now hear me out before you protest". "Why am I getting the feeling I'm not going to like where this is going". "Let me finish Paul". "We decided to assign you to the mental rehab program here for the during of three to four months"….


	17. Chapter 17

**The Reaction**

**Paul's POV:  
**"You did what?" I asked shocked. "Please Paul hear me out" he said. "No, no, no" I replied "please tell me you did not do that to me". "I don't want to go there, why do I have to go there". "I can just go to rehab and then all will be ok". I started to freak. "Paul" the doctor said, "calm down, breath come on". "Let us finish talking and tell why we decided to make this decision". "Ian chose this on my suggest". "You are depressed and you were suicidal". "We want to patch you up ASAP, but you are in an process and it takes time". "But I'm not crazy I know I did stupid things and acted crazy but I'm not crazy you can't send me to a mental institution".

"Paul it's called Mental rehab but it's not really crazy people there" the doctor said. "It's just people who are depressed or have a disorder". "They give you just a little more help there than in regular rehab". "Please" I said "I've been there before, they also put me into an institution when I was eighteen". "It was horrible I had to stay there for a whole year everyone there was as crazy as possible". "I know what you think Paul" the doctor said "but as I just explained to you it is not like that, I promise you". "Thereby we can keep you at the most three to four months". "You can go back to your normal life if we think you are ready for that else you get regular rehab". "But I promise you , you will not spend more than three or four months there".

I fell back on my bed and sighed. "So when are you going to dump my ass in the asylum". "Paul" the doctor scowled me "try to understand that it's not a place for crazy people". "When you are able to walk again and are stronger you are going there". "But I will still be your doctor and have regular visits with you". "You will like the staff there and the other people are really ok". "Thereby you know you will get out really soon". "I have to process this" I said. "Paul" Ian spoke "I'm sorry I had to make this decision for you but I wouldn't do it if I didn't think it was the best option for you". "I know Ian and I will probably thank you for it later but right now I really don't like your decision please let me cool off for today I see you tomorrow". "Ok Paul" he said.

**Three weeks later:  
**  
**Paul's POV:  
**I was finally back to my strength I had lots of ups but also lot's of downs. But I could say I was really doing well. The contact with Amber and Ryan was really good. I even started to feel things for Amber again but I couldn't put my mind to that right now. The doctor said I was ready for the next step in my recovery which would be going to that institution I was forced into. I know they try to do what is best for me and deep down I know that I need more help than just rehab. But I'm not looking forward to it, really not, to be exactly honest. I forgave Ian quickly though, he was the one who made the choice but the professionals told him that this was the best choice. So I did not blame him for it.

**Amber's POV:  
**It was the day before Paul would be transferred to the other facility where his healing process was proceeded. So I took the most of my time with him today and took Ryan to see him. Ryan was already kind off attached on his daddy. He smiled when I was talking about him or when he was with him. He cried when someone else held him, except for Paul. He never really cried when Paul held him. "I'm going to miss him you know that" he said to me this afternoon. "I know baby" I said "but it is only for a short time", "I know that, but at this point I have no idea when I will be able to see you guys again". "The first week I am not allowed any contact at all".  
"That's what the doctor said and the other times I have to deserve it". "And it will likely only be once a week maybe two times if I am lucky but not more". "And I don't know how much visitors there are allowed at one time". "It will be alright" I said. "Tonight Nina and Ian are coming I'm here know, with Ryan". "Yeah" he said "I will be alright, I have to be".

"Come on" I said "we go to the cafeteria we get some drinks and I would like some cake with it". "Yes" he said "that would be nice". I put Ryan in his seat and asked: "wheelchair or crutches". "I can take the crutches" he said. Although he was getting stronger physically and could almost walk properly again. He wasn't healed completely. He had some trouble walking long distances so he took crutches with him for support.

**Paul's POV:  
**It was nice to spend time with Amber and Ryan in the cafeteria we drank something and ate and I played with Ryan while I chit chatted with Amber about really, nothing at all. I was feeling better and better that day, I enjoyed it tremendously, but the thought of tomorrow kept nagging in the back of my head. After I said my tearful goodbye to Amber and Ryan but not before she promised that she would visit me the first opportunity there was I was visited by Julie and Kevin. They saw me last two weeks ago and thought I looked really well.

I was glad I had the chance to speak with them for a while. They said the others gave their love and missed me badly. "I miss them too" I admitted "but I will get out of here in no time and then I'm ready to go on with the show". "Paul" they said, "don't go to fast, take your time whenever you are ready not earlier". "Yeah" I said, "I know I will take my time and get 100 percent better and not 80 percent". "That's the spirit" Kevin smiled. "Ok old man" I smirked, "you call me old hey" he said, "yes" I smirked "pff man you have no clue what old is". "You are as old as you feel yourself". "Well you kind of right about that" I said smiling. "I know" he said cocky "I'm always right". "Don't push it" I laughed. I would also miss them very much but it was all for the greater good, my recovery.

**Ian's POV:  
**Nina and I visited Paul together the evening before he would be transferred to the rehab facility, it would be weird, because the last six week we visited him every day and stayed with him most of the time. When he is in the facility we are not allowed to visit him whenever we want. I knew it would be very hard on me but Paul's not going to take this well I'm afraid. I come walking in his room and decide to stay overnight with him and wave him off tomorrow. I talked about it with his doctor and he thought it was a good idea. Paul was happy when I suggested it to him. "Yes" he said, "please I don't want to be alone tonight". He was acting really brave the last few days, but I knew him better and inside he was terrified.

Nina left after a few hours and promised she would visit him as soon as it was allowed. "How are you feeling buddy?" I asked him. "Not really good man", he confessed. "It's good that you say that and that you don't hide it from us". "I don't know" Ian he said, "I really don't want to go but I have no choice". "It's going to be fine Paul" I said to him, "you are going to be ok, in a few weeks this will be all over and you will have your freedom back". "I really hope so" he said. "I know so" I said, "Paul you are one of the strongest persons I know you'll get through this, trust me".

**Paul's POV:  
**The talk with Ian got me more at ease but I still didn't like what was going to happen. I remembered my time in the institution when I was eighteen, it wasn't pleasant at all, I hated it there. Thereby everybody there was really crazy, they made me take a lot of medication and that made me slow. I was happy though that Ian would stay with me until they would transfer me to the Looney Bin.

I really couldn't sleep I tossed and turned and when I did close my eyes for a few seconds I had bad nightmares about the place I was going to. In the middle of the night I couldn't take it anymore and got out of bed, "what are you doing" Ian asked, "I can't sleep" I said, "yeah reckoned that much" Ian said. "You want to talk about it?" "No not really" I said, "I just need to get my mind off of it, it slowly drives me crazy". "Ok" Ian said, "let's watch a movie or something". "Yeah that is a great idea I said, "it might help".

I was glad I watched the movie with Ian I actually laughed this time. After the movie Ian insisted that I would try to sleep for a bit though. It was almost three am and I had to admit I was getting tired. I still had an uneasy feeling in my stomach but I handled it to get to sleep. At eight the doctor came into our room to check on me and to explain what was going to happen. He said I was transferred at noon so I could get settled there and participate in an evening session. I asked Ian to stay with me till then he luckily did that.

I started to freak a bit when the time came closer to noon. "Ian" I said, "I don't want to go there, I really don't want to please change your mind you got the power to do that, don't do this to me". "Paul", Ian said, "don't do this now, it's what best for you". "I know" I said "but I really don't want too". I started to cry at that moment, "ok" Ian said, "I'm going to get the doctor so we can talk with each other and get you calmed down ok".

**Ian's POV:  
**"Doc", I said, "I think he's going to freak out". "He's already crying and begging me that he doesn't want to go there". "I don't know what to do, come quickly I don't want to leave him alone very long". I said this to the doctor while I came running out of Paul's room. "Ok Ian" the doctor said, "let's go then". We entered Paul's room again and found him curled up on his bed, sobbing in his pillow. "And this" the doctor whispered to me "is exactly the reason why we ordered mental rehab". "He doesn't take any pressure or change well". "I know that he is scared every human being would be but people who are mentally alright and strong wouldn't react the way he is doing right now".

"I see" I said "but I hate it to see him like this, it crushes my heart". "I know" the doctor said, "I don't like it either but we have to get him at ease and then he will react better". We both came sit on the bed with Paul and the doctor started talking to him. He was saying words like: "it's ok Paul let your emotions out, I know this is scary but everything is going to be ok". "You can do this, you are going to be ok". "A few months and you are hopefully back to your old self and you are able to start your life again with a clean sheet".

I saw the doctor was getting through to him because he reacted more normal again and the sobbing stopped. "Ok" he said "let's do this then, don't make me wait let them take me I'm trying to stay strong". The doctor made a call and ten minutes later a nurse and a doctor from the mental rehab facility came down they explained to us what would happen. Paul would go with them and they got him installed in the facility. He would have group therapy twice a day there where activities and he would talk to a professional once a day. Every other day he would talk to his own doctor the other day the doctor from the facility had a session with him. He had to deserve to have visitors come by.

When he left with the doctors after saying goodbye to me and giving me a hug. I saw a glimpse of the old Paul again he had determination in his eyes. He would do this he would fight for his health. It was then that I was convinced that he would do it. He would get better.


	18. Chapter 18

**Mental Rehab  
****  
****Paul's POV:****  
**I've been here today exactly a week and some kind of week it was, especially the first day, but I'm happy because tomorrow is the first time I can see my friends again. It was hard for me to cope the first few days. I missed to have people I knew and trusted around me. When I settled into the ward last week I didn't feel like coming outside of my room, which by the way I had to share with someone. At least he looked like a descent guy who told me in the first few minutes that he was here because he had a manic depression with an alcohol addiction. I could tell he was in his manic time now, he was all over the place.

The doctor entered my room and asked if I was settled. I had my clothes in the draws and had pictures of the important people in my life in my nightstand draw. "Yeah I'm settled" I told him. "Did you meet your roommate already" he asked. "Yeah" I did, "he's kind of hyper isn't he". "Yes he is but it might be good for you". "I think the two of you can ground each other". "He can make you happier and you can calm him more down because you are a very laid back and quiet person". "So" the doctor said, "I suggest you come with me, meet the staff and the other people on the ward". I didn't really feel like it but thought I could better cooperate. It would make things a lot easier for myself.

I went with the doctor to the group, they just started group therapy. The doctor took another chair and mentioned me to sit on it. "So" the doctor said, "sorry to interrupt but a new guest just arrived". Pff guest I thought how about prisoner, crazy person etc. "Everybody this is Paul". "That's freaking Paul Wesley" a girl screamed. Shit I thought not in here too, and I'm trapped. "Yes that is Paul Wesley" the doctor said "let him feel welcome here but please leave him be". "He can't use crazy fangirling right now". "Ok Tiffany". "Ok" she said, while she flashed me a million what smile. I gave her a little smile back. "So let's get Paul settled in the group here" the counselor said. "Who would like to show him how it's done". "I want" Tiffany said, "ok" the counselor said "go ahead". "My name is Tiffany and I'm a alcoholic, thereby I have a split personality and can act hyper". "Alright Paul" the counselor said "go ahead".

"My name is Paul… and I'm a drug addict". I didn't really feel like sharing the rest of my story. "So yeah you're a drug addict, but can you tell me the reason why you are here in this specific place" the counselor asked. "Well" I looked at the doctor for help he nodded. "Well I'm in a depression I guess". "You guess" he asked, "well no I am in a depression". "Do you want to share other things about yourself right now". "Rather not" I said, "well you did good maybe next time you open up more". The group session went on and I noticed everyone had to talk. This is going to be hard. At the end of the session the counselor asked us to write a quote down about how were feeling and thinking at that moment. After some thinking I wrote: **_I don't want the world to see me, because I don't think that they'd understand._**

After the group session I was heading to my room again when I was stopped by the counselor. "Paul could you come with me for a minute please". "Ok" I said curious what we were going to do. I followed him in an examine room. Inside the room I stood there for a few minutes while he prepared some tests. "Sir is there a possibility I can sit somewhere" I asked. "It was still hard for me to stand and walk for a long time". He looked at me. "Are you alright you are sweating?" "I can't stand nor walk for long". "I can see that how come" he asked. "You don't know" I asked surprised. "Yeah about that" the counselor said, "the thing is we don't know anything about you". "The only one who knows anything about patients is the staff doctor". "Oh" I said. "The only thing we know is what you tell us". "But the way this system works is that you can tell us that in time". "And when am I supposed to do that" I asked, "well preferably in group therapy but you can also do that when we talk every other day". I nodded.

"You can sit now" he said while he mentioned to a chair. "I wanted to do a physical check up on you and a drug test". I nodded, "so take your jumper off so I can check your heart rate and measure your blood pressure". Shit I thought he will for sure see all the scars. Is there a possibility I can get out of that one? "Can't you do that with my jumper on" I asked him. "No Paul I can't, you have to take your jumper off". "I don't want too, to be honest" I said. "And why wouldn't you want to do that" he asked me. "Are you hiding something". "Kind off I don't want anyone to see what I'm hiding" I whispered. The doctor came sitting next to me. "Ok whatever your hiding I am not going to punish or judge you ok". I knew I had no choice and could make a scene but then I was much further in trouble. That's one thing I learned. With protesting and not applying to the rules or standards I was deeper down. I had more trouble and hated myself afterwards for it.

"Ok" I hesitated and took my jumper off. The deep wound on my wrist from the last suicide attempt was still bandaged. But on my arms were mostly old scars which were a bit fading but also some newer scars from the time I still did cut in the hospital. I did that for approximately five weeks after I was admitted. But the doctor insisted I had to quit it before I went to this group because it wasn't allowed here anymore.

When my jumper was off I sat myself down on the chair again and bended my head. The counselor took some time to take my revelation in, but after some time he said, "I can see you are ashamed". "But Paul I don't understand why, would you tell me why you are ashamed". "Isn't that obvious" I asked soft." No it is not obvious to me, so why are you ashamed". "Because I look like this". "Is that really what makes you ashamed" he asked. "Yeah" he said "normal people do not have scars all over their body". "Are you saying you are not normal Paul". "Don't do that" I said, "don't put all psychological bullshit on me, sorry for the word". " Because last time I checked you are a human being who can walk talk breath everything". "You do the same things I do , the same thing everyone else does". "Yeah but I am here, I'm here against my will". "Well it's not that I really have a choice or really don't want to be here because it is supposed to make me better".

"Yeah I know Paul, it can be hard to be here but the first step to your recovery in here is to accept the fact that you are here and that you are not ashamed of it". "But to go further why were you ashamed when you removed your jumper". "Because I have scars everywhere". "Yeah you said that" he replied, "what do you want to hear" I almost yelled getting irritated. "That I am ashamed that the scars got there because of me that I did this to myself". "Hell I am ashamed of that I'm angry of that also, I wish I didn't do it but I had to it was my way to cope". "I don't want to feel bad about it anymore I am sick of it". "But every time I look down at my body and see those damn things I get reminded about it". "And the worst is: that most of them won't even fade". "So did you get the answer you hoped".

"Paul I didn't hope for any answer, I just wanted to hear what you would tell me about it". "And I am sorry for you that it had to get this way and that you are daily reminded, but remember we are all here to make things easier for you". "So please try to calm down". "I have to do a drug test and have to check your health now". I sighed and nodded. The doctor did his test, when he was finished he asked me, "why did you start cutting yourself?" "You don't have to answer if you don't want to but I would like to know". " I …., I….', "it's ok Paul if you are not comfortable with telling me yet then you don't have to answer me". "No" I said, "I have to". "You have to or you want to" the counselor asked. "Well neither but it will help in my process if I answer, I was told before". "Yes it sure does" the counselor encouraged. "I did it to make the pain go away". "Which pain" he asked. "Mental pain?" "Yeah" I said "but also physical pain". "How so?". "Well when I got addicted it had a lot of negative outwork on my body, the most painful part was that I had problems eating and swallowing". "So I started to cut to get the pain away and inflict it somewhere else". "After a few days I couldn't stop and had to do it more, every time I felt more miserable".

"That had to be though" the counselor said, "it is good you can talk about it now". "You know it's hard at first but the more you….." "Yeah the more you talk about it the easier it get, I know" I said. "Dr Drew told me that eight weeks ago". "It took me about three to really open up". "So you've been under Dr Drew's care before you came here" the counselor asked. "Yes" I said, "I was cooked up in a hospital bed for four weeks straight, then I started getting up starting with minutes the last week it became a few hours". "Hench the walking". "OK" he nodded "would you like to tell me how you got there". "I will tell you but, not know, to be honest I'm tired I think I need some sleep". "Sleep" the counselor asked "its four in the afternoon"

" Sir I know you don't know everything about me but I ask your permission or else let me talk with Dr Drew". "I laid in a bed for the better of eight weeks". "I was a wake at eight this morning". "I'm really tired and need at least to lay down for a bit". "Ok" the doctor said, "I will talk about this with the Dr". "For now it's four we have dinner at six so I want you in the dinner area then". "Ok sir thank you". I stood up and I lost my balance a bit. I trembled and had to grab the chair. "Sorry" I said, the doctor stood beside me, "shall I help you get back to your room". I didn't want to I was way too proud for that, but knew it was for the best. I paused and said "ok, thank you sir".

I laid down on my bed and sighed. I had my alarm set at five minutes to six. It was a hard first day and it wasn't even over yet. I still didn't know if I was going to get used here. I woke up by hands shaking me awake "Paul, come on react Paul wake up, Paul….."


	19. Chapter 19

**Is there a future for me?**

**Paul's POV:**  
" Paul, Paul, wake up….." I was woken up by someone shaking me. I opened my eyes slowly and was a bit disorientated. "What" I asked "what is it", I looked up to the counselors face. "Pff" he sighed "I couldn't wake you up". Then I heard the alarm on my clock. "What time is it" I asked. "Quarter past six" the counselor said, "I was trying to wake you up for almost ten minutes". "Oh" I sighed "sorry". At that moment the doctor came in. "Hey you already woke up good". "Ok Paul I'm going to get out of the book a bit here". "To ask some questions which might be new for the counselor and give him a bit more information if that's ok for you". "Yeah ok" I said, "did you have a nightmare", "no" I said, "not that I can reckon". "Ok" the doctor said to the counselor "this can happen more often but mostly there is a nightmare involved". "You just have to try till he wakes up". "But you didn't have this in a long time Paul" the doctor said. I shook my head, "must be the new environment" ."Ok I think it is not wise to let him get out of bed today" the doctor said, "do you think he can get something to eat right here". "Yeah I can arrange that" the counselor said. The doctor nodded and said, "I will talk with you about rest hours for Paul". "Ok" the counselor said.

**Doctor's POV:  
**I had to talk to the counselor about some stuff that involved Paul's recovery. "I know this is against protocol but I want you to keep a good eye on him". "We have to work hard together with him on his recovery" . "The hard thing is that because Paul is a public person and has a weight on his shoulders being one of the lead roles on a famous television series which is not even half down, he has to get back to a pressure environment in which he is more open to damaging factors". "Thereby I am sure you know some things already about Paul because they were all over the internet". "So I want to ask you what do you already know about him". "Well I know that he has had a drug addiction because he told me so". "I saw the cuts on his body and know how he thinks about them". "He started cutting to relieve the pain because of his drug addiction". "He had a hard time cutting and is now reminded about that time every time because of his scars".

"Thereby there are a few things I read in the media, there were rumors he was dead".  
"But later the CW stated a statement that he was not but that he had to take rest for an unknown period due to an addiction and depression". "Yeah well it is kind off much more severe" I told him. "He was in a very bad place, he still is but he is getting back up there but we have to be careful with him". "The rest I will let you figure out by yourself, if you are patience and supportive he will open up about it, and tell you". "I want for now that he follows the program but that you find him a two hour break so he can rest and sleep for the first few weeks after that you can make that disappear look how he reacts to it and decide what's best for him".

"Oh and there are cameras in the rooms right", "yes can you plug in something that there goes an alarm when someone in that particular room does something weird, like a sudden move". "You mean that we are alerted when he has a nightmare". "Yeah that too" I said. He looked at me and asked, "did he try to commit suicide". I nodded "eight weeks ago". "I won't tell you more". "As I said talk to him but don't fish too deep he comes with it when he's ready".

**Paul's POV:  
**After a few days of living in a daze sitting in group therapy and do stuff to keep myself busy I finally felt myself a bit more at home, it was not as bad as it seemed like at first. The group therapy was going alright but I think that was only because the counselor took it easy on me. But I knew I had to open up. I opened up a bit the first day but I pulled my guard back up after that. So in the next group therapy the counselor asked who would like to talk about his or her addiction. After two people went I said "I would like to talk". But I found it hard to tell my story so I asked if they could ask me questions and that I then would decide if I would answer them.

"Ok that is a good idea, so guys" the counselor said, "if you have some discrete questions you can ask them"."Which drug were you addicted to?" "Heroin" I answered. "How did you use it?" "I shoot it up in my armpits". "Was this your first addiction the counselor tuned in?" I waited a few seconds with answering, then I said: "No". "Do you want to tell us something about your previous addiction": "Well I was a teenager I was addicted to almost every mentionable drug: ecstasy, cocaine, amphetamine, alcohol, heroin". "How did you cope with your current drug addiction one of them asked". "Well obviously not very well else I wouldn't be here". "But what did you do to end up here".

"You don't get here just because you are addicted and just depressed". "What did you do to get into this place". "You don't choose to be here yourself". "You can only get here because someone else decided this for you, which means you didn't have the authority over your own choices". "So what did you do?" "I… I…" "you don't have to answer Paul if it makes you feel uncomfortable" the counselor said. I nodded, "I have to" I said, "if I want this to work". "I.. I tried to commit suicide" I said. Then there was a gasp that went through the group and it was silent.

"Wow" my roommate tuned in after a long silence "you are on screwed up dude you know that" . "Yes" I said laughing to him "I'm kind off screwed up aren't I". "But don't worry" some girl tuned in "we are all screwed up". "Yeah" I said "we are all screwed up". And hell they were right I was screwed up. The counselor looked concerned at me but I gave him a small smile. I wore a smile but the only thing I thought about: is there hope for me am I going to get out of my situation. Am I ever going to be as normal as Ian for instance. Will I ever be back on Vampire Diaries again, will I ever be a father to my son. You know a real father give him a place to live. Will that be with Amber or will that be without her.  
I really hadn't thought about that much, but here in this place you were meant to think about who you are and about your future.

I came to the counselors office later that day for a talk session I decided to ask him the questions I had going on in my head for a few days now. I wanted him to be honest with me. But for that he needed my whole story he needed to know everything about me else he couldn't give an honest answer. "Hey Paul come in" the counselor said, "how are you doing after the group session from this morning". "I can say I was very proud of you opening up this much". "What did it feel like for you".  
"It was ok I guess" I said "but it made me think". "Am I going to be ok" I asked him, "am I going to come out of this". "I know you can't answer this question because I didn't tell you my whole story". "But if I tell you I want an honest answer from you how negative it might be I want to know". "I want to know if I can be the person I was once , about two, three years ago". "Ok Paul" the counselor said, "I will listen to your story and I will give you an answer, but I can tell you on for hand I find you an extremely strong person, I see progression in you every day that you are here so you might be damaged but I have faith in you, no matter what".

"Ok" I said "I'll tell you everything it all started…." I told him everything my teenage years the attempted suicides and the institution I was send to. I told him about my mother and her diagnoses with cancer how she was so ill and about Amber, how I treated her. That she tried to push me into getting help. Then I talked about the day she left me and why, the day she called and told me she was pregnant. How I couldn't get a hold on her again. The day my mother died. The current addiction, how I hid it and what it did to me. The hospital, the self mutilation. How I told everyone, what happened afterwards, the suicide attempt. The nightmares, my friends and family. How they found out my secret about Amber. Seeing Amber again, finding out I had a son and meeting him. The physical recovery process and coming here. I told him my whole life story. He let me talk, he gave me support when I needed it. He let me talk but he also let me have silences in my story he gave me comfort. The counselor was quiet when I was done "yeah Paul that's quite the story you got there".

"So sir" I said, "do you have an answer to my previous question I want to know and please be honest can I go back to living a to my standards normal life". "Well Paul I'm going to be honest with you, you asked me to be so" the counselor said. "You have a lot of baggage, it's going to be very hard for you". "But you've overcome this thing once before and I think you have at this point a better goal for yourself". "You want to be there for your son and you want the women you once loved and maybe still love back". "You have an supportive family and your friends are very important to you". "So I'm not going to say everything will go back to how it used to be, but I know you can overcome this and get an normal life back".

"Thanks for your time sir" I said to the counselor, "yeah sure any time" he said. "Paul" he called me back while I was leaving the room. "You did really well today but you are now physically and emotionally drained". I nodded that was exactly how I felt. "I suggest you take it easy for the rest of the day, go to your room take a book, lay down on your bed rest or something". "You can skip the evening session and we will bring you dinner in your room". "I think you had enough for today, we won't overdue it". "Ok" I nodded "I will go to my room and rest". "Thank you sir".


	20. Chapter 20

**Visiting Day****  
**  
It was a few days after my revelation and today was finally the day I was allowed to have visitors. I didn't know who were coming but the counselor promised me that there were people coming for me. You have to tell the people from the centre on for hand if you are coming and with how many people. It was Sunday today and the visitors were allowed from 1 pm till 5 pm so I had four hours of spending time with people I loved. But before that, we had a group session in which we were asked to read out loud the quote we wrote at the first day I arrived here, about what our feelings at that moment were. I wrote down: _ I don't want the world to see me, because I don't think that they'd understand.___

"I wrote it down that way, mainly because that is what I think about when I think about the outside world". "A lot of people idolize me and envy me because I'm famous". "They would literally kill to live my life and here I am screwing it up time after time". "So I'm afraid they don't understand that I just can't handle my life right now". So that is what I told the counselor, doctor and the other people in the group. They all said that I defined it really good. To be honest I don't know what other people think about it but the others that were in this facility really could relate to my story. They were the only ones that could come close to understand what I was going to. They maybe weren't famous but they knew what it is like to have an addiction or another mental disorder.

Our new assignment was to think about other quotes that applied to our individual person. Nobody except the counselor and the doctor knew I had self mutilated myself by the form of cutting. I thought it would be a good step for me to reveal that when we had to reveal our quotes, just so I could open up a little bit more about myself. I knew that was going to be hard but I had two days to think about this. So I went soul searching for a while and thought of some quotes that applied to me which had something to do with cutting but also with my depression. I was thinking really hard and started to write things down on paper. I came to the following quotes that I thought off, that I can occur to:  
**_  
"It's hard to answer the question "what's wrong" when you have the feeling nothings right".  
_****  
****_"I know what it's like to want to die; how it hurts to smile; how you try to be happy but you can't; how you hurt yourself on the outside; to try to kill the pain that's in the inside"._**

"You do it to yourself... and that's why it really hurts".

"Death is God's way of saying you're fired. Suicide is humans way of saying you can't fire me, I quit".

_"If you knew how I felt…  
…..You would understand"_

"_You don't understand:  
- Cutting unless you've cut before.  
- Suicide unless you've attempted it.  
- Depression unless you've felt it.  
- Eating disorders unless you've had on.  
- Me unless you've been through what I've been through"._

Those where the thoughts 'quotes' I came up with but much more time to think about it I didn't have. It was nearing one so my visitors would arrive soon. We could talk in our bedrooms but also in the large living room. I waited excitedly for my friends to arrive.  
**  
Ian's POV:  
**I was so happy to visit Paul again, it may have been hard for Paul but it was also hard for us. Our whole life's were occurred around Paul for the past two months, that fell away in an instance. I was worried about him all the time luckily we had contact with the doctor every other day who let us know that Paul was doing well. He told us he had some hard moments but he opened up more and found more and more his place in the institution. Before we could enter we had to go through security, they had to check us all over. I was not alone I had, Nina, Amber and Ryan with me. Paul would be so thrilled to see all of us. When we finally were through the security we walked through the halls of the facility, it looked nice I had to say. I saw a lot of residents and visitors there was staff from the institution walking around and I saw the doctor, when I looked harder I saw Paul sitting by a window talking to which looked like a staff member.

When he spotted us he waved and looked all excited. He flew into my arms and we had a real bear hug. "Hey bud" I said, "I'm glad to see you", "back at you" he smiled. Then he hugged Nina who stood next to me. Last he went over to Amber and Ryan "I'm so glad to see you guys" he said when we finally sat down. Paul introduced us to the man he was talking to who appeared to be the counselor. After he left we chatted and we filled him in on life at the outside. He was holding Ryan the whole time and was so happy to have his little boy in his arms. "I missed you guys so much" he said. "I have really been thinking a lot the last week and I came to the conclusion that I couldn't get this far without you guys I owe you everything". "I'm so grateful that I'm still alive and that I have a change to fight to get better". "Paul you know we are always going to support you and that we are hundred percent sure you are getting through this. "We will be patient with you because it will take some time but we are going to help you with that".

**Paul's POV:**  
After an hour or so I showed them around the place and the counselor came to us and said I was able leave the unit and that I could go for a walk with my family and friends as long as I didn't leave the hospital ground. This meant we could take a walk and sit and talk in the hospital park. It was really nice weather and it had been a while since I was outside. The counselor said we had to be back around four. We all sat on a blanket in the park with Ryan in the middle happily looking around him what was happening. We all surrounded him so he couldn't go anywhere, but then I smelled something. "Hey" I said "I think Ryan here did a bit of a stinky winky". "Well that's convenient than that you are here then" Amber smirked, "what? you want me to change him", "well yes he's your kid and once has to be the first time, right". "Ok" I said, "tell me how to do it and I will do it". It took me a while to do it but in the end I made it work and he was all changed and I was kind of proud of myself. "So how did that feel" Ian asked, "changing your first nappy". "Well" I said, "you forgot I have little sisters I changed them too when they were little but that was too long ago I kind of forgot how it went".

When we got back to the rehab centre I walked down the hallways with my son in my arms surrounded by my friends. We came past my roommate and he said, "dude seriously you have a kid", "yeah seriously" I smiled. The girl who was kind of fan girling over me since I got here almost got a heart attack when she also saw Ian and Nina, they were kind enough to take a picture with her and made a quick talk. That gave Amber and me the opportunity to talk together. "I missed you , you know that" I said to her, "I know I missed you too". I had put Ryan in his buggy because he was sleepy and sat down on the couch while I mentioned for her to come sit with me, "can I cuddle up with you" I asked. "Yes you can" she said and she snuggled up into my chest, "I'm so glad you are here Paul" she said, "that you finally let us help you , you have no idea how proud I am of you right now". "Yeah about that" I said, "it was the worst and stupidest thing I ever did in my entire life not listening to you to get help". "You caught it immediately before I even knew for myself that I was depressed". "So how further" she asked me. "I don't know baby you know I love you and I always will no matter what". "I really love you and I would start over with you in a heartbeat but I know now is not the time to think about that". "I have to get better first". "Then I can think about restart things that is if you would even consider that". "You know I love you too baby" she said, "but you are right first you have to put all your energy in getting better". "And I promise you I will wait for you then we will see".

**Ian's POV:  
**So that girl was annoying, sweet but she kept talking to us. But then I saw how Paul and Amber were talking to each other and snuggling up and I didn't mind. The girl could talk to us that would give them some time. After a while Nina and I went back to the couch that Paul and Amber where on. "Well she is persistent" I said smiling to Paul. "Yeah I know" he said, "she is but she doesn't mean it wrong she's just; well chatty and very cheery all the time". Sadly enough it was already nearing five o'clock and we had to leave soon. Paul saw this too and when we really left I saw tears on the surfaces of his eyes. "Hey bud" I said, "we will be back very soon", "yeah I know" he said "but I just going to miss you guys". "We see you for sure next week and maybe even sooner" I said to him. "Come on keep your head up". I hugged him tied and rubbed his back. Then Nina kissed his forehead and hugged him. "Come on I said to her let them have a moment". "We are waiting in the lobby" I said to Amber, she nodded.

**Paul's POV:  
**I was so sad when they left I hugged Ryan and kissed my little guy he gave me a smile and I melted. Then I hugged Amber and shared a quick kiss with her. "See you soon" she said, "we'll be there the first opportunity you got". I nodded, "go" I said, "you're going to be ok" she asked. "Yeah" I said, "I'll be sad for a few hours but then it'll be ok again". I stared out of the window and saw them leave. I hoped I would see them earlier then upcoming Sunday. But that was not really up to me.

I sat there staring out of the window for about an hour till the doctor came sitting next to me. I was kind of sad and felt a tear leave my eye. "Hey it's ok" he said while he padded my back. I laid my head down on his shoulder. "I miss them already" I got out in between sobs. "Yeah I know Paul" he said, "I know". "It's almost dinner time, whenever you ready you can join us ok". "Ok" I nodded. I had still a few tears when Tiffany (the fan girl) came sitting next to me. "It's hard right, I'm also always sad when my family/friends leave but you get more used to it". I nodded. "Come on" she said while she grabbed my hand. "I don't want you to dwell in self pity" she said in a cheerful voice. I laughed, "are you ever not cheery" I asked her. "No that's my problem I'm to cheerful". "Well" I said you made me smile again, so I guess I should thank you for that". "No problem" she said, "well come on then dinner's ready".


	21. Chapter 21

**I used to give up on life**

**Paul's POV  
**Weeks went by and I really had the feeling my recovery improved, I hadn't had a nightmare in a month and I had visitors twice a week now instead of once a week. Amber, Ryan , Ian and Nina where there all the time. Julie, Kevin, Matt, Candice, Joseph and Daniel also visited me all once. I was glad to know I also had their support. Today in group therapy we had to reveal the quotes we made a few weeks ago, you know the once I wrote about cutting. No one knew I used to cut, I didn't talk about that in group therapy. Well the doctor and the counselor knew and I think my roommate has noticed it when I am changing in the room but he never mentioned something about it. I usually used to talk about my addiction and my depression at group therapy, so this would be a big step.

I read out my quotes as one of the last in the group but came to the conclusion I had some really dark quotes in there. I read them all but one. The people in the group where impressed about my statement, that told them a lot about me. "You really did all those things" the fan girl asked me with a weak voice, "you mean you really tried to commit suicide we knew that and you are in a depression but you also had an eating disorder and cut yourself". "Well yeah" I said, "I'm really not proud of those things but I think the only one that can understand me, is me or people who underwent the exact same thing". "Where did you cut" someone from the group asked me? "On my arms" I said. "Are there scars?" "Yes I have scars" I said. "Is that why you wearing a hoodie all the time to hide your scars?" "To be honest yes" I said. "Like I noted earlier I don't want the world to see me, because I don't think that they'd understand". "Can we see them, the scars I mean" a girl from the group asked. I looked to the counselor who gave me a face which said; your decision. So I decided to took my hoodie of and laid my bear arms which were full of scars including the one from the suicide attempt in front of them.

After some staring I said, "to be honest I have another quote I haven't told but I don't know if I can or want to read that here". "Why not" the counselor asked "because that is what did set me of to commit suicide and I don't want giving people the wrong intentions". "Ok then don't say it right now" the counselor said "but I want you to tell the quote to me in our afternoon session". I nodded "ok" I said "I will tell you then but it is not really pretty". "I know that Paul if it set you to do something terrible like trying to take your own life". "But I really want to hear it later". The counselor went on to another topic and said "I have an announcement to make". "Next week it is family week which means you will all have a therapy session with your direct family and with the people who stand close too you in your life". "There will also be a group session with everyone as participant".

When I came to the counselors office that afternoon I was full of questions, who were coming for me, did he mean my father would be there or other members of my family. Or Amber, Ian and Nina. I wanted to know who were coming for me and what was going down those days how long they would stay etc. I came in and the counselor nodded to the couch while he was still on the phone. I waited patiently till he was ready. "So Paul" he said, "that were some heavy quotes you put upon us". "I want to say to you that your are really progressing, you finally opened up to them about the self mutilation". "And you even showed them your scars". "Do you miss it" he suddenly asked, "do I miss what" I asked. "The cutting" he said in a serious tone. "Well I think about it every day but not really like I have to stop myself from doing it" I said. "Well last week I felt really down and I thought about it a lot but I didn't do it and I'm kind of proud about it". "That's good Paul" the counselor said.

"So then why didn't you do it, you could easily do it". "Well because I didn't want to let everyone down but most of all I didn't want to let myself down". "Really good" the doctor said "and that my friend is your progress in the last few weeks/months". "Not only do you not want to let your loved ones down but you also don't want to let yourself down". "Before all you did was for them I can see that you are now fighting for them but you are also fighting for yourself". "And that was what I missed in you at first". "That started to progress more and more in the last four/five weeks".

"So sir" I asked, "who are coming for me?" "My family is on the other side of the country". "The other people I am close with are Amber, Ian and Nina and they are always here". "So I am just curious". "Well I am not supposed to tell you this but the regular people are coming at some part but I can tell you your dad is coming and he might or might not bring other family members so you can get yourself prepared for that". "Thank you sir" I said "I am so happy my dad is coming it feels like ages ago that I've seen him". "That's good to hear that you like it" the counselor said "but you mentioned this morning that you had another quote one you really didn't want to say out loud because it could trigger other people".

"Well it's not that I myself am afraid off it but when I thought hard the reason why I tried to take my own life not once or twice but three times, it was because I was desperate, I didn't see any good in the world anymore". "I felt myself a failure". "I wanted to quit life before it could give up on me and quit me". "So the quote I wrote down is": **_"Death is God's way of saying you're fired. Suicide is humans way of saying you can't fire me, I quit". _****After I told the counselor my quote it was quiet for some time. "You really thought about this a lot Paul didn't you?" "Well I went back to those moments which was quite hard on me but I found out that every time I was acting on an impulse and couldn't see something positive where I could hold on too".**

"I felt like everything had given up on me". "But Paul" the counselor said, "this happened three times now, how are you going to prevent it from happening again?". "I am really curious about that". "Because I now know how I thought. I know it were wrong thoughts I know that I have people supporting me no matter what". "Without my family and friends supporting me the last few weeks I am sure I wasn't sitting in front of you here right now". "I know now that I can beat it and fight it and more important I have to talk to someone when I'm feeling extremely down or just down". "It helps". The counselor was probably satisfied with my answer because he said I could go back to the group and instructed me to think about what my father, Ian, Nina, Amber and Ryan meant for me during the last three/four months.

**Paul's fathers POV:  
****I was so glad I was finally able to see my son again, it literally almost killed me to leave him a few weeks ago. Although I spoke to him every day before he went to the mental rehab institution it was still different then being there for him 24/7. But I also have other kids my teenage daughters also needed me at that moment. I was glad though Ian, Nina and Amber where there for Paul the whole time but now with the family therapy going on. I knew I had to come and gladly came, I took all three my daughters with me and they were really happy to see their brother again. Although I was really happy I was also nervous. I got updated every other day about how he was doing but I wanted to see that for myself. He needed to stay for about another six or eight weeks more at the institution and then he would be out of 24/7 treatment. We had to think about what was going to happen then, but we would have time to discuss that this week with everyone involved.**

I arrived at Atlanta airport with my daughters and we were picked up by Ian, Nina, Amber and Ryan. The girls all didn't see their nephew before so they were kind of hogging him. We drove to a restaurant to eat and while the girls all were cooing over Ryan Ian and I went outside to discuss what we thought was best for Paul when he came out of the rehab facility. We both agreed that we had to sell his apartment. He couldn't live their anymore but we wanted to ask Paul that first. We agreed he couldn't be living alone for the first few weeks. What I wanted to do to be honest was take him home with me to New York for a while where he was out of the pressure environment he had here. He wouldn't start shooting the show again till three to four months so there was time. I invited Ian, Nina, Amber and Ryan also to come stay with us in New York for a while when Paul got back.  
**_  
_****Ian's POV:  
****I agreed with Paul's father that we had to keep Paul out of the media as long as possible and that he really had to rest in the months he had before he had to shoot again. He couldn't stay alone and certainly not in his old apartment. I agreed we had to sell that a.s.a.p. but that, we could only do with Paul's permission. We had to make a schedule to let Paul stay with each of us. He could stay with Nina and I but he also had to be with Amber and with his family. I smiled when Paul's father and I came back into the restaurant where the girls were all cooing over little Ryan. Especially his little sisters who where hogging him and giving him his bottle.**

**Paul's sisters POV:  
****We had gotten free from school for this week, my father told our teachers what was going on with our brother and they decided that it was ok for us to skip school for a week. We were so excited to meet our nephew for the first time. We saw a lot of pictures but we were all in love when we saw him for the first time. We were also excited to see Paul again but were really scared for how he was. Would he be happy or down. How would he look like. Would he be happy to see us too. What is it like to be in a mental rehab institution. What are the other people like etc. All those question where going on in our heads. We talked about this with our father and he said he was sure that Paul would be thrilled to see all of us. Maybe he would be a bit ashamed because he wants to be a role model for us and hasn't been a really good one lately. But no matter what he will always be our big brother and we will always be proud of him. And he still is a good role model. We will always look up to him and he showed us how not to act when you are sad. Because of what my brother went through we would never touch drugs. But he also showed us what courage and persistence is. We are very proud of him and will always support him. No matter what. ****_  
_**


	22. Chapter 22

**Family Therapy  
****  
Paul's POV:  
**Well this is the day I was finally going to see my father again. The counselor told me he was coming for family therapy, he hinted Ian, Nina and Amber would be there too. There was also a possibility that my sisters would be there. I was really excited they were all coming, but on the other hand I was also a bit scared. What if my father will be disappointed in my progress? What if I screw the session up? I'm kind off afraid of what will happen. For my feeling and what I get back from the people close to me, the counselor and the doctor say I am doing really good and make a lot of progress. What if I let someone down. What will my sisters think of me when they are coming and see me like this in here.

I was eating myself up about this. In the past I would walk around with this till I had too much going on in my head and I had a melt down or outburst. Luckily for me I learned that, that would make things only worse so as soon as I had those thoughts I looked for either the counselor or the doctor so I could talk with them about it. So that is what I did I walked through the hallways and soon found the counselor. "Sir can I talk with you for a second" I asked him. "Sure Paul always" he said, "what is bothering you". "Why would you say something is bothering me" I asked. "I can see it, the way you act stay here in front of me, so please tell" he said. "Am I that transparent" I laughed, "and I used to think I was a good actor". "Yeah Paul you are really good actor you still are in the film and television industry". "But you used to be a good actor in your life too, but you can't act like that anymore". "Is that bad" I asked him. "No Paul that is really good you know why, because you don't want to hide it anymore, sometimes you may be in doubt to hide or not to hide but in the end people will see right through you and for you that's very important".

"Ok" I said so I told him what bothered me and he soothed me so that I was a lot less concerned I was relieved. I still was a bit scared or worried but I was mostly happy now. I cleaned my room so it was neat and it was ready to have visitors in it. My roommate left a week ago and I had yet to have another one. But I found the quiet pretty relaxing so it didn't bother me very much. I had to stay in the centre for at least six weeks maybe even eight but it didn't bother me I already stayed that amount of time here so I was kind of used to it. I decided to ask my father and Ian what was going to happen as soon as I left the centre. I had no clue because Ian was as off today still my care taker and he called the shots in consultation with my father and the doctor.

**Paul's father's POV:  
**

It was finally time to go to the rehab centre where we would meet up with Paul. Yesterday evening we had a meeting near the centre with the other families and some of the staff from the centre. They explained to us what was going to happen in the coming days. The first day was like a visiting day: we would arrive in the afternoon and would have dinner with everyone together. Then we would leave and come back in the morning for a group session. We would observe and it would be just like they always did. After that we could spent time together and afterwards we had a session together with just Paul and the counselor. That day it would only be me together with Paul and perhaps Ian and Amber. The following day we would have a session with Paul and the entire family then it was again relax time and the regular stuff that happened in the centre. On the day after we would have a session as a family and people who helped Paul without him there. In the afternoon we would have an entire session together with everyone. To conclude the trip we would have a last family day without stress. So it was pretty heavy but they stretched it over a lot of days because else it would be too much for the clients but also for the families. Although I knew there would be a lot of serious stuff there I was glad I was finally able to see my son again.

"Ready guys" I asked, we stayed all at Amber's house and would spent the following nights there too. Ian and Nina where there as well it was maybe a bit too small but we didn't spent much time there we probably only did sleep there and maybe talked a bit in the living room. Everyone came storming in the living room and nodded " ready" they said. "Dad" one of my little girls said, "I'm kind of nervous for all the things that are going to happen in the coming days". "I know baby" I said, "I'm nervous too but remember today is just meeting up with Paul and having a good time nothing too heavy". "It will be alright". "I heard nothing but positive things from the doctors". But I couldn't get my hopes up too much I would never be disappointed by my son, but I knew if I was hoping for too much it was not fair to him. I knew for sure Paul was nervous too because the doctor told us so. But he made progress , very good progress we would see that for ourselves today was what the doctor said.

**Paul's POV:  
**I was waiting in the living room area and was more relaxed now, the counselor explained the program for the coming days to me. I saw how already a lot of families were there and happy to see the person who was in here. Just when I started to get inpatient I heard a excited scream "Paul" and before I knew it my little sisters were hugging my neck. "Hey my baby girls" I said smiling. Behind them trailed my older sister, father, Ian & Nina and Amber with Ryan. "Wow Paul you look great" my father tuned in, "you really look great I am so happy for that and I'm proud of you". "Thank you dad" I said while I hugged him. "Hey Rae" I said while I hugged my big sister. Ian slapped the back of my head while Nina also gave me a hug. Then I heard a laughing cooing sound, "well it looks like someone wants his daddy" Amber said looking at little Ryan who held his arms out for me, while I grabbed him from Ambers embrace I shared a quick kiss with her.

"Whoa when did that happen" my father asked surprised, at our quick kiss, "taking it slow" I said to him winking. "So you are together again" he asked. "It's complicated" Amber said, while giving me a slight smile, "yeah" I tuned in "we are not really working on that right now". "Yeah" Amber said, "Paul has other priorities right now and I am willing to give him time and wait for him" . "We did some serious talking but we both agreed that we would like to try it again but not now at this moment I have to focus on getting better and deal with my so called demons". "But I can't change the way I feel now and I am so glad Amber is willing to give me another change without pressure". "Well that's really beautiful son" my father said. "So how have you guys been" I asked to get the pressure a bit off of me but also because I was really interested.

My sisters told a lot about school and I was glad they were doing great especially after the rough year they had. My father told me he worried about me a lot and was thinking about me all day. I kind of felt guilty about that. "I am so sorry about that" I said. "Don't be sorry" my dad said "you are my kid, my son I worry about you all the time". "I just worry about you more at this time more". "Yeah" I said "but it is still hard for me to hear that you worry about me so much right now, I wished you didn't have to worry this much". "Hey look at m, that's my job to worry about you, ok" he said while looking at me. I hesitated but nodded. "So can we get a tour or something" my littlest sister asked excited. "Yeah that will be possible" I smirked . "Can you please show me the toilet first Paul?" My sister Rachel asked "sure" I said while I gave Ryan back to Amber. When we walked to the toilet my sister took me to the side. "I got to tell you something Paul" she said.

I was kind of curious so I asked: "what is the big secret?". "Well just so you know, you are actually the first to know and I hope you love it". "So what is it" I asked, "I'm pregnant again" she said. "What" I said "that's so awesome congrats Rae so what do daddy and the babies say". "Well the kids don't know it yet and I told daddy about it before I left but the rest doesn't know yet". "But I was so glad I would be able to come here because I did not want to tell you over the phone and I didn't want to blow our tradition". "You always are the first to know about these things". "Come here" I said "I'm so glad for you" while hugging her. "You are glowing I can see it now". "Do you know how far along you are" I asked. "Yeah approximately nine weeks so a few more weeks of puking and I guess it will be over then". "So when are you going to tell the rest". "I meant to do it here but I don't know when". "I think the last day when we will be spending time all together without stress". "Yeah that would be a good idea" I said. "I'm so happy for you Rae" I said again.

**Amber's POV:**  
Paul showed his father and sisters around while Ian, Nina and I went along for the tour. It was a nice summer day so we were able to go outside. We found ourselves once again in the hospital park. We always did that when it was nice outside. Mostly because Paul was only allowed to leave the rehab centre when there were visitors and because it was on the third floor of the hospital they didn't have a garden, only a small balcony but that was way too small to sit on for a long time. I saw how he enjoyed being outside and surrounded by family and friends. I really saw the progress he made the counselor also said that to us. The biggest progress was that besides that he was fighting for us he was now also fighting for himself. Thereby he talked when he had troubles he didn't do that before he usually kept everything inside. He was too proud to ask for help before, now he just asked.

I really didn't know where I was with Paul right now, relationship wise but I knew I would do anything to be with him again. I knew I wouldn't get my old Paul back from before everything, but he had always be and still is my Paul. Thereby that little boy who is my son will always know from now on who his father is. We will be connected forever through Ryan. I watched as Paul talked with his father and chased after his baby sisters when I was deep in thoughts Paul slipped behind me and pulled me in a hug. He kissed the back of my head and brought us to the ground. I lay the back of my head against his chest and we interlaced our hands. We lay there lazily just in each other's embrace, when I heard a silly voice made by Ian who was holding and playing with Ryan. "Look little man what are mummy and daddy doing?". "Are they falling in love again, yeah" he cooed "I think they are". "But you know what this picture isn't complete" he said while he placed Ryan on my lap and started to take pictures from the three of us and gave his phone to me so I could see them. Then I saw it I saw Paul smile a real smile. One that also reached his eyes. That point I knew for sure everything would be ok. Paul would be ok our relationship would be ok. I was certain I would start over and I would fight for my family no matter what.


	23. Chapter 23

**Family Therapy Part 2  
**  
**Paul's POV:  
**I was nervous; today was the second day of family visiting and it started today for real it was the first day our families would see how it went in here and where able to look into our process. The day would start with a group counseling session just as always, but today everyone would sit with us so they would see and hear everything. Thereby I also had a session later with my counselor, the doctor, my father, Ian and Amber. But all the time in-between till approximately eight o'clock we had our families around so that was nice. I was also thinking of yesterday it was so nice to have my family and friends around. I was happy for Rachel that she was pregnant again. I was glad though she didn't break our tradition. I was besides her husband always the first to know about major things. We were really close growing up mainly because she was only two years older than me. She also was my rock through everything even through my first addiction although I knew that was really hard on her. I hated her first for it like the times I was in school (a sophomore and she was a senior) I was smoking pot and dealing she would always see it and drag me away from the stuff. She really was my buzz kill but after those tragic years we grew closer and closer.

It was time for the group session which we started alone first. The counselor told us we just had to act like always and he would ask us questions, the other people in the room weren't allowed to say anything or intervene. They were only allowed to watch. After ten minutes give or take everyone came in took a seat and watched the session. We talked about why we were here that was kind of our way to introduce ourselves to the guests. When it was my turn I said: "My name is Paul and I'm a drug addict with a severe depression in which I lost myself ending up doing things I really, really regret". "Do you have examples of things you did you regret?" The counselor asked. "First of all the thing I regret the most is not listening to my loved once who offered me a lot of help and saw a lot earlier what was happening to me then that I saw it myself". "Well other things I regret are: not taking care of myself properly, self mutilation and trying to commit suicide". I heard some people on the side gasp but it didn't set me back. I was glad I could talk about this right now I looked for my father's eyes and saw him nod in encouragement. I thought back about the first time I had to introduce myself. Just when the doctor told about it. "Good job Paul" he said "I remember the first time you sat here and had to introduce yourself". "Do you remember what you said then?". "Yes I believe I said I was an addict and was in a depression sort of". "You have come from far but I'm proud of you because of your journey so far". "Are you proud of yourself" he asked. "Yes" I said "I'm proud of myself".

**Paul's father's POV:  
**I was almost watching with open mouth, he really did make a lot of progress. Not a small step more like a giant leap. When I met with him after the session I embraced him in a hug: "who are you and what did you do with my son" I asked him laughing. He smirked "I like this version better" I said to him, "keep this one". "I really am trying dad" he said, "I like this version better too". I knew we had a though session coming this afternoon I decided to take Ian and Amber out for a bit to talk about what was going to happen this afternoon, because they would be present with me while having the session with Paul.

**Paul's POV:  
**While my father, Ian and Amber where away for whatever. I suspected though it had something to do with the afternoons session. I played a board game with Nina and my sisters. I teamed up with my littlest sister because only four could play this game. We played trivia and had a lot of fun. Ryan was sleeping in my arms for the better of time. When he started to wake up and cry I knew instantly why. He had a dirty diaper thereby it was close to his feeding time luckily Amber gave me one of his bottles before she left. I excused the girls and walked with Ryan and a clean diaper to find someone from the staff so I could ask where I could change Ryan's diaper. While on my way I was stopped by a lot of my fellow clients so they could see Ryan. So it took a while before I found someone, who happened to be the counselor. "Hey" I said "where can I change him" I asked, "well you can use my office but I will place something underneath him so it won't mess up the place". "Thank you" I said to him. "You look good Paul this way ,you are a natural with the kid". "Well" I said "I kind of had some practice". "Yeah I see how old are your sisters?" "They are thirteen and sixteen now" I said.

While I was giving Ryan his bottle the rest came back and joined in our game teaming up with the remaining people who didn't have a team. It was nice and for a moment I forgot where I was and why I was there. When the game was finished we had dinner together and we prepared ourselves for the session. Rachel and Nina would take Ryan and the girls out shopping while we had the session. While I was nervous this morning for this particular session I wasn't anymore right now and I was glad for that. ****

**Ian's POV:  
**We went inside the office of the counselor. Not only he was there but also the doctor was waiting for us. "Hi" they said in union. "Hey" we all replied they motioned us to sit on the couch or on a chair. We sat there the four of us awaiting for what was coming. "You guys nervous?" The counselor asked us, "Paul" he said "you go first". "I was when I woke up this morning then it settled but while I'm sitting here it is coming back up" he said. "Don't worry" the doctor said "it is understandable that you are nervous but you don't have anything to be afraid or worried about". "What we wanted to talk about today is mainly your process Paul from the time you came into this facility until now: the improvements and the setbacks". "Thereby I want to know the reaction on your progress of your father, Amber and Ian". "But in this session we don't only want to look back we will also look forward". "What are the points we still need to work on and what is going to happen when Paul leaves this facility". "I asked the three of you to think about that before this session and I want some answers thereby I want to know from Paul what he thinks should happen and his reaction to your plans". We nodded waiting for Paul and the counselor to tell his story in here.

"Well" Paul said "it was obviously very hard for me to go here I was not really looking forward to it". "I had in my head that it was exactly like the place I was in before (when I was young)". "But really it's not". "Yeah some people are a bit more crazy then others but we all have the same goal here and that is working on our individual problems". "The first few days I had some problems acclimating and during sessions I didn't dare to tell much about myself". "The hardest part tough was that I didn't had my loved once which are you guys around me". "It was hard you were with me 24/7 when I was hospitalized although I really didn't deserve all of that". "I screwed up and you were there to pick up the pieces". "But that's another story, after a couple of days I started talking more too the counselor and after some weeks I also shared a big part of my story with the rest of the group". "I learned that I have to fight for you guys but that I mainly have to fight for myself". "I have to look forward and not backward which is going to be hard, because if I look at my body I will always be reminded of what I've done".

**Paul's POV:  
**I was glad I had got those things of my chest , it was hard for me but I recognized that I talked a lot easier about my feelings and was more open and honest. Like the counselor said I could hide things pretty easy but I didn't want that anymore even if I tried to. For the once who loved me I was an open book.

"Well Paul has made a lot of progress in our eyes" the doctor and the counselor said, "he asks for help and talks if something is bothering him". "He is taking responsibility for his actions and shares his past with the rest of the group". "If Paul is ok with this we want you to show some things Paul wrote down". " This are quotes about how he felt and his life". I nodded "you can show it to them" I said. "But it is not really pretty". They showed them the quotes I wrote down and they were quiet for a moment. The counselor then told the story I told him about the suicide quote and we all made an agreement that if I ever felt that way again I should directly look for help.

**Paul's father's POV:  
**After we heard everything from Paul and the doctors it was our time to tell what we thought was best for the days that he got out of the centre. I told that we thought it was best for Paul to be in an environment where it was calm and where was not a lot of paparazzi. We didn't want him to go straight back to work and told him he could take all the time he needed to get back. For living arrangements we were in doubt how we would bring it up but we decided that we first wanted to know how Paul would see this and what he would like. I soon found out that New York was not an option because he wouldn't be with Ryan that was his number one priority. He was hesitant at first but still admitted that he didn't think it was smart to go back to work a.s.a.p. and that he also couldn't live alone for the first period, he reckoned that.

"Well" he said "I don't know where I want to stay but eventually I have to get my life back together so I can go back to my apartment". "Yeah about that" Ian said, "what" he asked. "We sold that already a few months ago". "You did what", "well after you tried to commit suicide Ian and I cleaned it all out and all of your not related drug stuff are at Ian and Nina's apartment" I said. "Wait what did you say, you did what". "You sold my apartment where do I have to live then?" He asked panicking. "Paul" I said "please calm down a bit we didn't want you to go back to that environment there happened a lot of bad things there and we thought it would be too confronting". "We should have run it by you, but we wanted to get rid of it and well a.s.a.p. you were way too far down at that moment to talk to you about it and it kind of slipped our mind". "We are sorry but we really felt that was the right thing to do". "So can we please have your forgiveness?" "I know guys" he said "that I have nothing to say about what is going to happen to me right now, because Ian is my caretaker but could you please tell the things that you do and decide regarding myself to me?" "Yes we will" we said. "So what about the living situation" Paul asked, "we will talk about that later" I said "we got rid of some options and make a good choice out of the once that we still have left".


	24. Chapter 24

**Family therapy part 3**

**Paul's POV:**  
The day after the session with dad, Ian and Amber we had a session with the whole group. Some parts were really hard on me especially to talk to my little sisters and hear them talk. They knew I was in bad shape and that I tried to commit suicide. They also knew about my previous addiction but really didn't know the intensity of it, like the attempted suicides and the mental institution. But I had to come clean about that. My father agreed with it. So while we were talking, the doctor asked my sisters how they were feeling about my addiction and what it did with them. They told us that they were both very concerned and they were scared for me. They hated what was happening to me.

"So girls" I said after they told us how they felt. "I am so sorry you are feeling so bad". "But please listen I will be ok I'm doing much better and I am so glad for the support that I received and still are receiving". "I will overcome this, because I did it before". "I survived this before and then it was probably much worse". "So therefore I have to tell you what happened the first time I was addicted". "Because you knew I had a tough time then, but it was much worse than we told you". "So in order for you to understand more about it and for me to trust my story to you I have to tell you". "If you don't want to hear it it's ok, but I think you two finally deserve to know the truth". They nodded "it's ok Paul you can tell us". "We will love you no matter what you know that right". "Right" I said.

They came sitting next to me and I embraced them in a hug. "So" I said, "when I was your age I did everything god forbid". "I was really badly addicted, thereby I was confused". "I am depressed now and I was confused when I tried to commit suicide". "When I was younger I was really confused and I tried to commit suicide by overdosing on pills". "Your sister found me on the bathroom floor". "If she hadn't be there that instance I wasn't here anymore". "I was so confused and sad". "I hated everything". "I had to stay in the hospital and I tried to commit suicide there too". "I stabbed myself in the chest". "So that's the real story about my scar". "After that mum and dad admitted me to a youth hospital". "I stayed there for a long time". "You didn't visit me there so that's where I was when I was away for a while". They sighed and looked at me with tears in their eyes. I myself was also half crying. We hugged each other while the rest looked on. "It's ok" they said "Paul, it's ok you are going to be ok and you have our full support we promise you".

**Ian's POV:  
**I found it really brave from Paul to confess everything to his little sister. And I had to say they took it really well. After the really heavy session we had a nice day with everyone and only talked lightly and didn't talk about the situation we were all in. When we arrived back to Amber's house that night around nine Nina and I went out for dinner. Amber went to bed early with Ryan so Paul's family could have some privacy and talk again about what happened that morning.

To be honest it was nice for Nina and I to have some time together. We went to a nice place and talked not about everything what was going on right now, but we talked about us. Our life together and our future. But after a while we still came back on the topic that kept us busy for months now. We are still asking ourselves how we could let it come this far, yes there were symptoms and yes he did everything to hide it, but damn we should have seen it earlier. But what's done is done we can't turn back time. We can only look forward and try our best to help him as much as we can. We already did a lot for him. We were there constantly in the beginning and now still only if we saw him once or twice a week, he was still controlling our lives.

When we arrived back at Ambers house Nina went straight to bed, when I walked into the living room I saw Paul's father sitting in there and was drinking a coffee. "Hey" I said to him "is it very smart to drink coffee at this time it is past eleven, you won't be able to sleep". "Ian" he said "don't worry it's ok I'm going to stay up late I have to fix some things for work". "Why are you doing this now" I asked him. "I have to" he said, "thereby I can't sleep anyway". "What do you mean you can't sleep" I asked, "how many hours did you sleep in the last week". "Ian" he said "I haven't slept well since my wife died and with Paul's situation it's even less".

I was kind of shocked by his revelation. "Did you ever talk with someone about this". "Maybe a doctor can help you, give you sleeping pills or talk with you about it". "Ian" he said "it will get better, I just seen how Paul's recovering and he's doing so good". "I think it gives me some more peace". "I hope so" I said to him. "But really why do the working stuff now you explained the situation at work haven't you". "They understand". "I guess you are right" he said. "You know what I'm exhausted I'm going to try to sleep again". He stood up and dumped his coffee in the sink. "Good night Ian" he said. "See you tomorrow".

**Paul's Father's POV:  
**Ian was right he was right. It was not healthy. I had a lot of sleepless nights and if I did get some sleep it was less than three hours a night. I was always afraid of talking to someone. But now I thought about it more I felt myself a real hypocrite. I made my son talk to a lot of people and was afraid myself to talk to someone. I knew I needed help with this, at least some sleeping medication. I decided to ask Paul's doctor or counselor if they knew some sort of solution or could give me advice what to do. I went to my bed and lay awake for a while but fell asleep though and slept a few hours straight for the first time in a while.

**Paul's POV:  
**I was nervous again my family would talk to the doctor without me present and they would also discuss what was going to happen once I left the institution. I had hoped that I could go back to my own place, but learned a few days ago that my father and Ian already got rid of that. An now thinking of it, it was probably for the best. All I had there were bad memories. I hoped that I could start over fresh with Amber and with my son.

I was waiting in the living room area until my family members came back from there session with the doctor and the counselor. They came back with a smile on their faces. I looked at them with question marks in my eyes. "What is it Paul", Ian asked "you look like you are seeing things that are not supposed to be there". I shook it off, "what is it with those shit faced grins on your faces" I asked curiously. "Well" Amber said "we have a surprise for you". "Yes indeed" my father said "we have a surprise". "And what would that surprise be?" I asked curious. "Well as you know" he said "we have still tomorrow and the day after tomorrow for family visits and all that kind of stuff". "So the doctor told us we could take you home with us for a few days". "He what" I asked surprised. "Well" Amber said, "everyone is staying at my house and you can come home with us for two nights leaving right when you are ready". "We can spend time in another environment without everyone watching our every step and we can sit at the backyard or even go to the park, out for dinner whatever we like to do". My face lit up and I was really happy. "Really" I said, "really" the doctor said who appeared behind me. "So" he said, "get the stuff you need and I don't want to see you here for the first 48 hours". "Yes sir" I stated grinning. Dad went with me to get my stuff, I only needed some fresh clothes and underwear they had toothbrushes and everything else, I was excited.

**Paul's father's POV:  
**I was in doubt; should I tell Paul about my talk with the doctor about my sleeping problem or should I hide it. I wanted to be honest with him, but I didn't want to jeopardize anything especially not now while he was doing so good and was granted to spend some alone time with his family. I knew for sure that me telling him this would hurt him, but he would find out eventually. I was in doubt so I decided to speak it out to him. "Paul" I said, "I got to tell you something but I don't know if it is a good idea to tell you now". "But you will eventually find out so I think it's best to tell you now". "What is it dad" he asked. "Well I don't want you to take this personally and don't even for a second think it's your fault". "Because it's not". "You are scaring me dad" he said while he went to sit on his bed.

"No it's nothing to be scared of" I said. "So what is it then" he asked. "Well I asked your counselor and doctor some help for myself". "What do you mean", he asked. "I haven't slept properly since your mother died and in the last few months it only became worse". "If I'm lucky I'll be able to sleep two to three hours a night but there are times I am awake for a few days in a row". "It is exhausting me and I start to get a really bad case of insomnia". "I never told anyone until Ian caught me awake and drinking coffee at night a few nights ago". "I talked to him about it and I really think I need some help so I contacted someone at home whom I can talk to about what is happening in my life and I hope it will get better by that". "I will also get an prescription for a light sedative which I can take before I go to bed". Paul listened to my story and when I was finished he hugged me and said, "I'm sorry for the part I played in this". "And I think it is very good you asked for help dad". "I can't tell you how happy I am that you are still here and taking care of me but please take this change and take care of yourself first". "Not only for you but also for my sisters they are going to need you very hard".

"I know Paul" I said, "ok" he said "can we go now I had enough doom and gloom the last past months I want some happy stuff, like going to Ambers home with everyone". "Is that going to fit though" he asked questioning "yeah" I said "it is pretty big and we all share rooms so it would be ok".   



	25. Chapter 25

**The Surprise**

**Ian's POV:  
**The doctor warned us on forehand that it would be a big change on Paul for the coming few days but it would also be good practice for when he got out for real. He has been hospitalized and in facilities for almost six months now so it would be weird. He got some sort of freedom back and the doctor warned us to get rid of all the alcohol and medication or lock them away. Because it would be temptation for him no matter what. I saw him walk back with his father and the doctor gave him some last minute advice which was that he immediately had to talk to someone if something was bothering him, anything at all.

We left through the back entrance in a blinded car, because there were always paparazzi standing outside. Paul was wearing a hat and I sat in the back with him while Nina and his father sat in the front. "You relieved you are getting out of here buddy" I asked. "Yeah definitely" he said. "I can't wait to be in the outside world again" he smiled.

**Paul's POV:  
**I was finally kind of free again at least for a while, it was scary but most of all exciting. When we got to the house I got a whole tour and we had lunch in the back yard. Later we decided to do a barbeque that night. Although when we made that decision I saw my father flinching. "Dad" I said "I am not going to burn myself on the barbeque or do something stupid". He looked at me and I could tell he was about to lie that he didn't think that way although he didn't he just said, "just to know for sure". I went for a run in the forest behind the house together with my baby sisters and Ian. We ran for about two miles but after that I was exhausted I didn't have any condition at all. But it was nice and mind clearing to be in the nature and work out again. Before I started using again I always jogged before work. I decided I should pick that up again.

When we arrived back at the house I saw that Nina and my father where setting up the table and barbeque for later. "Hey where is Amber" I asked, "she's in her bedroom" my dad said. I walked over to her bedroom and knocked on the door. "Yeah" I heard a voice, "can I come in?" I asked, "sure" she said. She was changing Ryan in his pajama. "Hey" I said, "is the little man ready for bed?" "Yes he is" she said "but first he has to drink". "Would you like me to grab his bottle" I asked her. She laughed "no Paul I breastfeed him". "Only if I am in public I give him a bottle but it is always my breast milk in it". "Really" I asked "yeah" she said. "Here close the door and hold him for a sec". I closed the door and held Ryan. Amber sat comfortable on the bed and said "come sit with me". "There is nothing more beautiful than this little man feeding from me" she said. "It is a real bonding moment". "So I enjoy it while it lasts because soon he's too old for this". I nodded and came sitting next to her with Ryan in my arms. "Here" she said while she picked up her shirt and bra. "You just lay him in my arms close to my nipple and he will find his own way". I did what she asked and he soon found the nipple and began to drink. She was right it was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. And I don't mean on a sexual way. I kissed her forehead and held Ryan's hands and feet while he was drinking. It was a nice little bonding moment for the three of us. I was glad I witnessed it and decided I wasn't going to miss any of them while I had a change to be present.

**Amber's POV:  
**It was really nice and peaceful sitting there with just Paul and our son. Although he already missed a big part of his sons life. And didn't see him often he was a natural, he knew instantly how to hold Ryan and what he needed. I felt so guilty for the last year of his life. I still think back. What if I hadn't left what if I didn't tell him about the pregnancy. I really felt sometimes it was all my fault I was the closest to him when he was heading to the breaking point and I couldn't stop him. I was there for him I certainly was but at some point I couldn't take it anymore and I had to chose for myself and for my unborn child. But by that action Paul only got worse. I needed to talk to him about that again but was afraid because he was doing great now. And we started to fall in love with each other again. I didn't want to jeopardize that by bringing up the past again. So I decided not to bring it up now.

"You know" I said to Paul, "huh" he said. "" You are actually the only person who saw this". "What do you mean" he asked. "Well" I said "I only feed Ryan this way when I have privacy". "When I am out or it is busy in house I give him a bottle". I saw a tiny smile form on his face. "Thank you" he said "for sharing this with me" while he leaned in closer and gave a tiny peck on my lips before going down a little lower and kissing Ryan's forehead. I smiled and brushed his hair with my free hand. "Does it hurt" he asked "no not really" I said, "at first it is really weird but it doesn't really hurt". "I heard stories though of other with whom it did hurt". I felt Ryan's sucking decrease and pulled him of my nipple. "So" Paul said "he's finished drinking now we have to burp him right". "Yes" I said, "can I do that" he asks "sure" I say "then I'll be able to put some decent clothes on and we can go to the barbeque". ****

Paul's POV:  
While Amber changed I burped Ryan and put him in the crib next to the bed. He would sleep there tonight because his room was occupied. "Sleep tight little man, daddy loves you" I said to him while I kissed his forehead. Amber came back and put on the baby phone and we walked downstairs to join everyone for the barbeque. "There they are" Ian joked "we thought you two would stay in there forever". "Had to feed the little man and put him to bed, takes time" Amber laughed. We all sat down and talked we didn't talk about anything serious just talk. And for the first time in a while felt normal again. After the barbeque it became chilly outside and we all went inside and watched a move. My little sisters were cuddled up to my side and where sound asleep when it finished. My father took one of them and I carried the other one upstairs where I put them on their bed. "Sleep tight girls" I whispered. Everyone else also thought it was time for bed. "Hey where do I sleep" I asked. "You sleep with me and Ryan", Amber said, "that's if you want that". "He probably will wake up once or twice during the night so if that's too much for you, you can see where else there's space". "No of course not it's ok" I said "I will sleep with you and Ryan".

It was almost twelve when we arrived in the bedroom. "He will have another feeding now" Amber said "and then he will probably sleep until five or six o'clock and if we're lucky we will be able to put him to sleep again". "Until eight or nine". "So you feed him now", "yeah" she said while she woke Ryan up. "You can have a shower and change if you want", "no I want to see it if you don't mind". "I don't know if I will be able to see it again besides tomorrow and the day after". "Alright" she said, "will you take him from his crib, then I can change real quick". "I did" and the same ritual we had a few hours ago happened again. The only exception was that Amber burped him so I could change into my clothes. We both put him in his crib and kissed him goodnight. Amber killed the lights and we both lay down in the bed. I didn't know what to do I hadn't slept beside someone in a while. All I wanted to do was lock her in my arms and hold her forever. I decided to ask. "Amber" I asked, "hmmhmm" she hummed. "Can I hold you in my arms, but only if you are comfortable with that". "Sure" she said while she scooted closer. I held her in my embrace and kissed the back of her head. "God I love you" I whispered, "love you too baby" she said soft.

**Nina's POV:  
**When the morning came Ian and I woke up early. "Hey baby" I said "slept well". "Yeah" he said "I slept ok". "Shall we go downstairs and make breakfast". "That's a good idea" he said. When we arrived downstairs we made breakfast with Paul's father who was already up. And as on cue when we were finished Paul's sisters came downstairs and dug in. We decided to let Paul and Amber sleep in. When we were all finished it was past nine and decided to all bring them breakfast on bed.

We knocked on the door but didn't get an answer so we opened it ourselves, what we saw there was a beautiful picture. Little Ryan sitting in his crib smiling and looking at his parents. Whom were still fast asleep embraced in each other's arms. "Hey Ryan" Ian cooed when he got the little guy out of bed. "What do you say should we wake them up" I asked, "yeah why not" Paul's father said "but you do that we will leave it might be too confronting". We agreed and Ian and I put Ryan on the bed when we woke them up. "Rise and shine sleepy heads" Ian said and I couldn't hold my laugh anymore he really had to say that. I saw them both stir and they slowly opened their eyes. "Yeah Ryan", Ian said go get them while he put Ryan closer to his parents.

**Paul's POV:  
**I woke up by voices and my little boy crawling towards Amber and I. I still had Amber in my embrace. I was a little embarrassed that Ian and Nina had to wake us up like that. "Hey" they said, "did you guys sleep well?" "Yes" I said "I slept well, this little guy woke up at five thirty but after he fed he went straight back to sleep". "That's good, so" Nina said "we brought you guys breakfast in bed". "But don't get used to this too much this is a onetime happening". "Thank you guys" Amber and I said in union "we really appreciate it".

Ian and Nina left the room while Amber and I ate our breakfast. When we finished it we joined the family and friends and went for a walk in the park and did some sightseeing in the beautiful neighborhood Amber lived in. At noon we went to a little restaurant and ate. Too bad that some people got an eye on us but they kept it discrete. Some paparazzi also arrived but they only asked how I was doing so didn't have to do anything besides giving them an ok signal. I had a lovely time but it was also hard for me because I knew that in 24 hours I would be back in the institution.


End file.
